my kids

The Weekly Round Up

Some news stories from the Profound to the Profane

1. DEEP THROAT DIES

Mark Felt, second in command of the FBI in the 1970s, was "Deep Throat", the mysterious figure who aided Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein in their investigation of the Watergate break-in. His "follow the money" became a mantra and is still in use some 30 years later. His belief that the constitution should trump all made him a beacon, albeit unknown, to millions of Americans. it is difficult to comprehend the effect that Felt had on politics. "Deep Throat" made it cool to be an informant. And he looked like Hal Holbrook! We hardly knew ya, Mr. Felt, but we will miss you.

2. DOCK ELLIS DIES

Dock Ellis, the former NY Met, who threw a no-hitter while with the Pittsburgh Pirates while he was high on LSD has died at 63. How did he throw such a no-hitter when under the influence of drugs? He said during an interview that the catcher's glove was right there and he just dropped the ball right in.

Mets bullpen, take note!

3. ED AND TOM SHIRCEL

WTF are these guys?

Well, these guys are brothers, 57 and 52, who have combined for 10 perfect games (in bowling, for those of you who do not know). What makes 'em special this week?

They rolled them together -Yep, during the same game and for the same team.

The odds of such a thing happening? Well, according to Ed " a million to one?"

Our staff of mathematicians has come up with another number: 500 million to one!

4. THE ABSOLUTELY MOST HEARTBREAKING STORY OF THE WEEK

Corporate megalo-mart Wal-Mart comes to the rescue after evil corporation Stop and Shop dashes a childhood dream of a perfect birthday party.

Yes, I am talking about Stop and Shop's refusal to personalize a cake for little Adolph Hitler Campbell.

What is this world coming to?

I mean the parents are evil dunces - but is that reason to punish the kids?

Wal-Mart, trying to restore its beleaguered image after it allowed a worker in my area to be trampled to death on Black Friday, stepped right up to the plate and said that they had no problem with writing the name of the worst killer in the history of mankind on a birthday cake.

Where would we be without Wal-Mart!

I mean, where are these obviously loving parents going to go when Adolph's little sister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, turns two in a few months.

The Running Man

As many of you know from my companion blog (which is in dire need of a chapter 2) The Weight Loss Chronicles (http://holysmokesweightloss.blogspot.com/) I became a runner.

Well, I ran my first race, the Inwood 5k, and much to my surprise a photographer from the local paper snapped the runners as they sprinted from the finish line.

That's me (Number 156) handsome devil that I am, obviously fixing myself (why else would the hand be in the pocket?) so there was no man-soreness at the end of the three mile run.

I am proud that I ran a race and I am glad I ran it with my son, who is also in the picture.

Here it is:

Couldn't help myself

I know I haven't blogged in a while but i could not resist this one.

A Canadian judge (eh!) threw out a lawsuit by a British Columbia man who said that his brain was yes, I can't make this up, INVADED by tech companies and the coppers.

A yokel named Jerry Rose filed the lawsuit about one month ago in Canada. Named defendants included Google and Microsoft as well as the Mounties.

These were the evil folks who were "responsible for invading his brain and manipulating his thoughts", The Province newspaper in Vancouver reported.

In addition to the monetary damages, the lawsuit demanded a red 2007 Ferrari, a black 2009 Lamborghini, two 2008 V-Rod Harley Davidson motorcycles, two 2008 Honda dirt bikes and a 2009 black Dodge pickup truck, the report said.

But here is the part that gets me -

The judge initially refused to dismiss the case.

WHAT?!!!!??!?!!!

Could it be in this day and age that there is a judge out there who believes in brain invasion???

Why did it take so long to rule that "the allegations were wild speculation and bound to fail"

I am guessing that the judge believed the allegations in the lawsuit until the grand wizard of his local chapter of the National Unity Transmission Society (NUTS) that monitors cell phone usage secretly did not want their secrets getting out.

Ubiquity in My Town (with apologies to J. Joyce)

When I recently called my cell phone service provider to renew my service plan and see what deals they had, I was surprised to learn that my tenure of 7 years with the company was considered a long time in the cell phone business. Thus, to keep my business, they decided to give me a wildly reduced data plan and a brand new free Smartphone.

I declined.

“Why”, several of my friends asked me “would you turn down a free Blackberry?” I could have said: “Been There. Done That.” But I didn’t.

Yes, in my prior job, I was a member of the Crackberry Nation, reading a book with one hand and pulling a Blackberry off the holder on my belt every time it buzzed with a new message with the other. In retrospect, I have to give a lot of credit to Nobel Laureate Ivan Petrovich Pavlov who became somewhat of a household name in the 20th Century by using a bell to cause dogs to salivate because they thought they were going to be fed through the process of conditioning.

I have to think that Pavlov is having the last laugh, thanks to Research In Motion – the creator of the ubiquitous Blackberry – Steve Jobs – the peddler of the iPhone – and the many other companies that produce the so-called SmartPhones.

Heck, for three weeks after I gave up my blackberry I found my hand moving to the spot on my belt where my Blackberry used to be. Pavlov would have been proud. He would have also been proud of the woman I sat next to at a recent seminar I attended. Her Blackberry was on silent mode and she kept it in her bag which sat at her feet. That did not stop her, though, from taking her Blackberry out of her bag and checking it every sixty to ninety seconds and then putting it back in her bag. She never responded to anyone. She just reached into her bag, took out the Blackberry, looked at it and put it back in the bag. Over and Over and Over. And Over.

I, for one, cannot understand the constant need to be connected. Before my dad retired in 1988, odds were that when you called our house, Mom would answer the phone. To dad, when the phone rang at work there was a problem. Therefore, one way to avoid problems at home was to avoid answering the phone.

I am just old enough – 49 – to remember working in a company before fax machines were prevalent. In those days, if I got an inquiry on a case I was handling, it would come via a typewritten memo dated two or eve, god forbid three days before. I would immediately prepare my typewritten response, throwing it into a blue envelope and placing it in the interoffice mail bin and then forget about it. Maybe I would get a response, maybe I satisfied all queries. But I knew that I had at least seven days before I needed to deal with the issue again.

What a relief.

David Pogue, the Technology writer for the New York Times wrote the following:

When you whip out a BlackBerry or a Treo in public, what does it say about you? You might think that it says: “I’m an important person who can’t afford to be out of touch. I can do e-mail all day long, and I’ll never miss that critical deal.” But people around you might be thinking, “Look at that huge, clunky phone,” or “Man, I’d hate to see your monthly bill,” or even, “If you whip out that infernal machine at the dinner table one more time, I’m filing for divorce.”

Nowadays, whether I am commuting in the morning or the afternoon it seems like I am the only person without a Blackberry. Maybe it’s just me but when I get home and check my personal email, I have about twenty e-mails which are disposed of in about six minutes, if that long. I don’t think I have ever had an email that was so time sensitive that I missed out on something because I did not get to my email until I got home at night. How did we exist as a nation without our Blackberries?

Marcus Aurelius wrote some 1,850 years ago: “Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.”

I cannot think of better words to describe the nation we have become. We no longer take the time to sit back and smell the roses. In fact, does anyone below the age of forty even use that phrase anymore? Everything today has been made to be about instant gratification and the Blackberry is one of most ubiquitous symbols that epitomize instant gratification.

When my friends asked me “Why would you turn down a free Blackberry?, ” I could only respond with “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge as well?”

I have to thank my Mom for that answer. I think she figured out what was important in life a long time ago. In between answering phone calls.

Sarah Palin: "Blame Bush for John McCain Losing the Election"

Oh, there is so much to say in counterpoint and I do not know where to start.

So I won't.

maybe this is why tony Soprano stayed so big

from CNN

Mafia suspect arrested during liposuction

So police in Italy posing as visitors to a hospital arrested 27 year old mafioso Domenico Magnoli who had just come out of anesthesia for liposuction on his thighs and tummy.

The police carried flowers and candy pretending to be patients. They did not, however, take off their uniforms so it was lucky that Magnoli was still groggy.

Since he was a fugitive this writer wonders why he wasn't in the clinic for face-altering surgery.

But fame has a price, right?

Proud To Be An American

Just ten years ago, in June 1998, James Byrd Jr., an African American, was dragged to his death by three white men in Texas. Worse, the three assholes who perpetrated this heinous crime dumped Byrd’s mutilated remains in a black cemetery and then went to a barbecue.

I remember hearing about this when it happened and thinking “Man, is our country that shitty where someone can get dragged to his death merely because of the color of his skin?”

Hey, it was not the white Jewish liberal guilt that my mom always instilled in me – I have voted republican more times than my mom would like (not for Dubya, though) – but it was that I think that I have a semblance of decency in me so that I can look beyond the color of someone’s skin in judging them. I mean, let’s face it, there are assholes and idiots of all colors around not only this country but in this world.

The results of last night’s election doesn’t make me forget James Byrd but it makes me proud to be an American.

When Barack Obama made the keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, I said to myself that this was a young man to watch (an aside – I am only two years older than him but he just seems younger).

It was expected when he declared his candidacy. I had hope back then but low expectations. Even before the economy went into the shitter the country wanted change; however, I did not think that the country would embrace Barack Obama.

What was unexpected was in January 2008 when “the black guy” trounced “the white lady” in the overwhelmingly white state of Iowa. Even cynics like me, who believe that all politics are the same, had to sit up and take notice.

As the divisive battle for the democratic nomination waged I remained amazed at Obama’s resiliency and his fortitude. His speech on race in March of this year won me over. His initial reluctance to give up his friend Jeremiah Wright gave way to a realization that his friend was wrong and he did not embrace what the man said. He even gave the man a chance to heal the wounds but the man became divisive.

In politics, I thought friends stay with friends by “spinning the truth”. Obama did not.

As Obama and Clinton fought on, my ceiling was set at the expectation of “how great would it be if we had our first African American presidential candidate.”

Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be elected President. That was just too much to ask.

Now, I should point out that my choice for president was not made until after Labor Day.

I think John McCain is a decent and honorable man (and I hope Barack Obama asks him to be Secretary of State – I think his views ought to be listened to by an Obama administration).

But I could not vote for John McCain because of Sarah Palin. People are going to pick over the bones of McCain’s campaign to see what caused him to lose – for me, that was the reason. And I think that her presence on the ticket created the month of negative campaigning that John McCain engaged in.

So I dug in and supported Obama – never expecting last night’s outcome.

I spoke to a friend of mine, an ardent McCain supporter (because of issues like homeland security and taxes, not race) who called me at 10 o’clock last night. And while he was ready to throw in the towel after the devastating loss in Ohio, he did say that this win was “a good one” for America.

Last night our President – elect, echoing my friend, said “This victory belongs to you.”

How right both Obama and my friend are.

Quote of The Year

"Why are we talking to the Joe the Plumber? He's already done more interviews than Sarah Palin"

-Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Calling Joe The Plumber! Calling Joe The Plumber!

A lot has been made by the press of John McCain's infatuation over Joe the Plumber and the 3,642 references in the debate and interviews and news stories after the debate.

But, to me, the true question of the measure of Joe's worth is how well he does his job.

Well, Ol' Smokes here has found two recent jobs that can prove Joe's mettle.

First of all, let's take the case of Joey Chestnut. The world's ranking gustatory champion recently took part in a pizza eating contest. He downed 45 slices in 10 minutes Sunday to win the first-ever Famous Famiglia World Pizza Eating Championship in New York's Times Square.

This is the guy who also ate 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes and 93 sliders in 8 minutes.

Hence the look on his face.



Meanwhile closer to Joe the Plumber's home, a restaurant has put together A 20 pound burger. That's 20 pounds with the condiments. Take a look at this monstrosity:I mean, that's a big burger - and the guy in the picture is 5'11" and only 180 pounds.

Well, it took Brad Sciullo four hours and 39 minutes (the time limit was 5 hours) to finish of the beast.

Why did he do it?

"I wanted to see if I could."

Well, this brings us back to Joe The Plumber.

A Plumber plumbs the depths, so to speak. it seems to me that if anyone is going to need the help of Joe the Plumber it is going to be these two guys.

If he can fix their problems, maybe then we should be interested in anything else he has to say.

I Must Be An Old Man

I finally started texting on my cell phone - even if infrequently.

Now I find out that elephants can text.

Boy, I am behind the curve.

Elephants don't even have thumbs!!!!!

I mean - if we were talking about the Elephant Man perhaps - but a real elephant???

Or Republicans even - that I'd believe.

But A Real Elephant?????

I do not know what is worse

1. The National Debt Clock is running out of digits

2. Beverly Hills Chihuahua was Number One at the box office for a second week.

You choose.

I find this shit funny

Hey, I'm voting for Obama but this stuff is still great.


I have no doubt it was a Typo but it makes me laugh

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't been around but there is so much new Television on and this season is shaping up to be one of the best. I got hooked into this new show Fringe and that is just messing me up.

Any way, here we go.

Point Number One - McCain has OFFICIALLY LOST MY VOTE.

While I do not agree with everyhting he stands for (his views on abortion particularly bother me), I do believe that he is as honorable a person as a politician can be. I don't quite think he is the maverick that he declares he is but he has bucked his party's leadership and is enough of a pain in the ass that he gets my "Monkey In The Wrench" award.

Where he has lost my vote is in the selection of Sarah Palin as Vice President. To put it bluntly and in true Yoda style:

"She's Hot but Ready She's Not."

The selection at first was a masterstroke. McCain was tapping into (or trying to tap into) the disenfranchised 18 million people who voted for Hillary Clinton during the primary.

Initially, she was placed before large crowds and she engendered the rock star treatment that McCain so decried when Obama received same. But lime an Onion, when you peeled back the layers, you saw the real deal.

The most telling aspect of Sarah Palin's inadequacy was her inability to come across forcefully in an interview with Katie Couric.

Katie Couric!!!!!! The most unchallenging interviewer ever to host the National News. Non-Confrontational is the key to katie.

And yet Palin could not handle it.

Fareed Zakaria, the Newsweek commentator, a conservative by nature in a liberal magazine wrote an opinion piece entitled "Palin Is Ready? Please."

I won't quote at lenght but it is a must read piece and it ends with the line:

Obviously these are very serious challenges and constraints. In these times, for John McCain to have chosen this person to be his running mate is fundamentally irresponsible. McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, it is simply not true.

John, you are a hero.

But you've lost my vote.


Point Number 2 - AIG HAS TO NAME NAMES

While Rome was burning, Nero Fiddled.

While AIG was drowning, many executives went to a freaking Resort and spent $24,000 of the rescue money on the SPA.

The St. Regis, located on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean midway between Los Angeles and San Diego, is "devoted to the pursuit of service and elegance," according to its Web site. A "health and wellness" package costs US$600 a night, with a two-night minimum.

Former CEO and Dunderhead Robert Willumstad said:

"I was totally unaware that there was any plan for any conference. Had I been aware of it I would have prevented it from happening."

Was this guy running AIG or Dunder Mifflin? Even the fictional Michael Scott would have known the trip was going on and recognized the impropriety (although one would think that he would have let it still occur).

Pathetic.

I did buy 100 shares of AIG stock at $2.62 a share.

Why, you ask?

So I can become the named plaintiff in a class action case when the time is right.

Thankfully Some Real News!

Bored by Politics?

Worried About the Economy?

Can't Pay the Bills?

Well, here is a news story to take your mind of all of your worries.

It's a crime story to end all crime stories.

And what was the evil perp's excuse?

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

PETA: Off the Deep End -- AGAIN!

It's been a while since I have blogged (primarily because the new fall season has started) but I feel that I must post after reading the latest insanity from PETA.

Evidently, PETA wants Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to stop using cow milk in its ice cream.

What???? No milk in Ice Cream???????

No, there will be milk in ice cream.

BREAST milk.

How sick is that?

Evidently, these retards at PETA want all of us to figuratively suck on the teat.

Mmmm...all because a Swiss restaurateur has decided that he is going to serve breast milk from nursing mothers.

This is supposed to lessen the suffering of cows from the milking process, but let me ask you this: Isn't a teat a teat? I mean, one teat is considerably larger than the other teat and you don't have to worry with whom the larger teat has slept.

In all seriousness, the folks from PETA have finally gone off the deep end. All I need is some crack ho donating her milk to Ben & Jerry's. I'll come down with a mystery disease and even Dr. House, MD will not be able to figure out it was from my nightly dose of Ben & Jerry's.

And what would we call the flavors???

Double Vanilla Chunks?
Titty Garcia?
Chubby Boobies?
Chocolate Peanut Breast Swirl?

Well, PETA is right about one thing:

The Breast IS Best.