Holy Smokes!!!!!!!!

The Weekly Round Up

2008-12-20T10:52:00.007-05:00

Some news stories from the Profound to the Profane

1. DEEP THROAT DIES

Mark Felt, second in command of the FBI in the 1970s, was "Deep Throat", the mysterious figure who aided Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein in their investigation of the Watergate break-in. His "follow the money" became a mantra and is still in use some 30 years later. His belief that the constitution should trump all made him a beacon, albeit unknown, to millions of Americans. it is difficult to comprehend the effect that Felt had on politics. "Deep Throat" made it cool to be an informant. And he looked like Hal Holbrook! We hardly knew ya, Mr. Felt, but we will miss you.

2. DOCK ELLIS DIES

Dock Ellis, the former NY Met, who threw a no-hitter while with the Pittsburgh Pirates while he was high on LSD has died at 63. How did he throw such a no-hitter when under the influence of drugs? He said during an interview that the catcher's glove was right there and he just dropped the ball right in.

Mets bullpen, take note!

3. ED AND TOM SHIRCEL

WTF are these guys?

Well, these guys are brothers, 57 and 52, who have combined for 10 perfect games (in bowling, for those of you who do not know). What makes 'em special this week?

They rolled them together -Yep, during the same game and for the same team.

The odds of such a thing happening? Well, according to Ed " a million to one?"

Our staff of mathematicians has come up with another number: 500 million to one!

4. THE ABSOLUTELY MOST HEARTBREAKING STORY OF THE WEEK

Corporate megalo-mart Wal-Mart comes to the rescue after evil corporation Stop and Shop dashes a childhood dream of a perfect birthday party.

Yes, I am talking about Stop and Shop's refusal to personalize a cake for little Adolph Hitler Campbell.

What is this world coming to?

I mean the parents are evil dunces - but is that reason to punish the kids?

Wal-Mart, trying to restore its beleaguered image after it allowed a worker in my area to be trampled to death on Black Friday, stepped right up to the plate and said that they had no problem with writing the name of the worst killer in the history of mankind on a birthday cake.

Where would we be without Wal-Mart!

I mean, where are these obviously loving parents going to go when Adolph's little sister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, turns two in a few months.

The Running Man

2008-12-16T21:07:00.004-05:00

As many of you know from my companion blog (which is in dire need of a chapter 2) The Weight Loss Chronicles (http://holysmokesweightloss.blogspot.com/) I became a runner.

Well, I ran my first race, the Inwood 5k, and much to my surprise a photographer from the local paper snapped the runners as they sprinted from the finish line.

That's me (Number 156) handsome devil that I am, obviously fixing myself (why else would the hand be in the pocket?) so there was no man-soreness at the end of the three mile run.

I am proud that I ran a race and I am glad I ran it with my son, who is also in the picture.

Here it is:

Couldn't help myself

2008-12-15T19:35:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while but i could not resist this one.

A Canadian judge (eh!) threw out a lawsuit by a British Columbia man who said that his brain was yes, I can't make this up, INVADED by tech companies and the coppers.

A yokel named Jerry Rose filed the lawsuit about one month ago in Canada. Named defendants included Google and Microsoft as well as the Mounties.

These were the evil folks who were "responsible for invading his brain and manipulating his thoughts", The Province newspaper in Vancouver reported.

In addition to the monetary damages, the lawsuit demanded a red 2007 Ferrari, a black 2009 Lamborghini, two 2008 V-Rod Harley Davidson motorcycles, two 2008 Honda dirt bikes and a 2009 black Dodge pickup truck, the report said.

But here is the part that gets me -

The judge initially refused to dismiss the case.

WHAT?!!!!??!?!!!

Could it be in this day and age that there is a judge out there who believes in brain invasion???

Why did it take so long to rule that "the allegations were wild speculation and bound to fail"

I am guessing that the judge believed the allegations in the lawsuit until the grand wizard of his local chapter of the National Unity Transmission Society (NUTS) that monitors cell phone usage secretly did not want their secrets getting out.

Ubiquity in My Town (with apologies to J. Joyce)

2008-11-21T06:48:00.001-05:00

When I recently called my cell phone service provider to renew my service plan and see what deals they had, I was surprised to learn that my tenure of 7 years with the company was considered a long time in the cell phone business. Thus, to keep my business, they decided to give me a wildly reduced data plan and a brand new free Smartphone.

I declined.

“Why”, several of my friends asked me “would you turn down a free Blackberry?” I could have said: “Been There. Done That.” But I didn’t.

Yes, in my prior job, I was a member of the Crackberry Nation, reading a book with one hand and pulling a Blackberry off the holder on my belt every time it buzzed with a new message with the other. In retrospect, I have to give a lot of credit to Nobel Laureate Ivan Petrovich Pavlov who became somewhat of a household name in the 20th Century by using a bell to cause dogs to salivate because they thought they were going to be fed through the process of conditioning.

I have to think that Pavlov is having the last laugh, thanks to Research In Motion – the creator of the ubiquitous Blackberry – Steve Jobs – the peddler of the iPhone – and the many other companies that produce the so-called SmartPhones.

Heck, for three weeks after I gave up my blackberry I found my hand moving to the spot on my belt where my Blackberry used to be. Pavlov would have been proud. He would have also been proud of the woman I sat next to at a recent seminar I attended. Her Blackberry was on silent mode and she kept it in her bag which sat at her feet. That did not stop her, though, from taking her Blackberry out of her bag and checking it every sixty to ninety seconds and then putting it back in her bag. She never responded to anyone. She just reached into her bag, took out the Blackberry, looked at it and put it back in the bag. Over and Over and Over. And Over.

I, for one, cannot understand the constant need to be connected. Before my dad retired in 1988, odds were that when you called our house, Mom would answer the phone. To dad, when the phone rang at work there was a problem. Therefore, one way to avoid problems at home was to avoid answering the phone.

I am just old enough – 49 – to remember working in a company before fax machines were prevalent. In those days, if I got an inquiry on a case I was handling, it would come via a typewritten memo dated two or eve, god forbid three days before. I would immediately prepare my typewritten response, throwing it into a blue envelope and placing it in the interoffice mail bin and then forget about it. Maybe I would get a response, maybe I satisfied all queries. But I knew that I had at least seven days before I needed to deal with the issue again.

What a relief.

David Pogue, the Technology writer for the New York Times wrote the following:

When you whip out a BlackBerry or a Treo in public, what does it say about you? You might think that it says: “I’m an important person who can’t afford to be out of touch. I can do e-mail all day long, and I’ll never miss that critical deal.” But people around you might be thinking, “Look at that huge, clunky phone,” or “Man, I’d hate to see your monthly bill,” or even, “If you whip out that infernal machine at the dinner table one more time, I’m filing for divorce.”

Nowadays, whether I am commuting in the morning or the afternoon it seems like I am the only person without a Blackberry. Maybe it’s just me but when I get home and check my personal email, I have about twenty e-mails which are disposed of in about six minutes, if that long. I don’t think I have ever had an email that was so time sensitive that I missed out on something because I did not get to my email until I got home at night. How did we exist as a nation without our Blackberries?

Marcus Aurelius wrote some 1,850 years ago: “Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.”

I cannot think of better words to describe the nation we have become. We no longer take the time to sit back and smell the roses. In fact, does anyone below the age of forty even use that phrase anymore? Everything today has been made to be about instant gratification and the Blackberry is one of most ubiquitous symbols that epitomize instant gratification.

When my friends asked me “Why would you turn down a free Blackberry?, ” I could only respond with “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge as well?”

I have to thank my Mom for that answer. I think she figured out what was important in life a long time ago. In between answering phone calls.

Sarah Palin: "Blame Bush for John McCain Losing the Election"

2008-11-11T06:40:00.001-05:00

Oh, there is so much to say in counterpoint and I do not know where to start.

So I won't.

maybe this is why tony Soprano stayed so big

2008-11-07T06:10:00.004-05:00

from CNN

Mafia suspect arrested during liposuction

So police in Italy posing as visitors to a hospital arrested 27 year old mafioso Domenico Magnoli who had just come out of anesthesia for liposuction on his thighs and tummy.

The police carried flowers and candy pretending to be patients. They did not, however, take off their uniforms so it was lucky that Magnoli was still groggy.

Since he was a fugitive this writer wonders why he wasn't in the clinic for face-altering surgery.

But fame has a price, right?

Proud To Be An American

2008-11-05T06:47:00.003-05:00

Just ten years ago, in June 1998, James Byrd Jr., an African American, was dragged to his death by three white men in Texas. Worse, the three assholes who perpetrated this heinous crime dumped Byrd’s mutilated remains in a black cemetery and then went to a barbecue.

I remember hearing about this when it happened and thinking “Man, is our country that shitty where someone can get dragged to his death merely because of the color of his skin?”

Hey, it was not the white Jewish liberal guilt that my mom always instilled in me – I have voted republican more times than my mom would like (not for Dubya, though) – but it was that I think that I have a semblance of decency in me so that I can look beyond the color of someone’s skin in judging them. I mean, let’s face it, there are assholes and idiots of all colors around not only this country but in this world.

The results of last night’s election doesn’t make me forget James Byrd but it makes me proud to be an American.

When Barack Obama made the keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, I said to myself that this was a young man to watch (an aside – I am only two years older than him but he just seems younger).

It was expected when he declared his candidacy. I had hope back then but low expectations. Even before the economy went into the shitter the country wanted change; however, I did not think that the country would embrace Barack Obama.

What was unexpected was in January 2008 when “the black guy” trounced “the white lady” in the overwhelmingly white state of Iowa. Even cynics like me, who believe that all politics are the same, had to sit up and take notice.

As the divisive battle for the democratic nomination waged I remained amazed at Obama’s resiliency and his fortitude. His speech on race in March of this year won me over. His initial reluctance to give up his friend Jeremiah Wright gave way to a realization that his friend was wrong and he did not embrace what the man said. He even gave the man a chance to heal the wounds but the man became divisive.

In politics, I thought friends stay with friends by “spinning the truth”. Obama did not.

As Obama and Clinton fought on, my ceiling was set at the expectation of “how great would it be if we had our first African American presidential candidate.”

Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be elected President. That was just too much to ask.

Now, I should point out that my choice for president was not made until after Labor Day.

I think John McCain is a decent and honorable man (and I hope Barack Obama asks him to be Secretary of State – I think his views ought to be listened to by an Obama administration).

But I could not vote for John McCain because of Sarah Palin. People are going to pick over the bones of McCain’s campaign to see what caused him to lose – for me, that was the reason. And I think that her presence on the ticket created the month of negative campaigning that John McCain engaged in.

So I dug in and supported Obama – never expecting last night’s outcome.

I spoke to a friend of mine, an ardent McCain supporter (because of issues like homeland security and taxes, not race) who called me at 10 o’clock last night. And while he was ready to throw in the towel after the devastating loss in Ohio, he did say that this win was “a good one” for America.

Last night our President – elect, echoing my friend, said “This victory belongs to you.”

How right both Obama and my friend are.

Quote of The Year

2008-10-18T11:11:00.001-04:00

"Why are we talking to the Joe the Plumber? He's already done more interviews than Sarah Palin"

-Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Calling Joe The Plumber! Calling Joe The Plumber!

2008-10-17T06:28:00.004-04:00

A lot has been made by the press of John McCain's infatuation over Joe the Plumber and the 3,642 references in the debate and interviews and news stories after the debate.

But, to me, the true question of the measure of Joe's worth is how well he does his job.

Well, Ol' Smokes here has found two recent jobs that can prove Joe's mettle.

First of all, let's take the case of Joey Chestnut. The world's ranking gustatory champion recently took part in a pizza eating contest. He downed 45 slices in 10 minutes Sunday to win the first-ever Famous Famiglia World Pizza Eating Championship in New York's Times Square.

This is the guy who also ate 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes and 93 sliders in 8 minutes.

Hence the look on his face.

Meanwhile closer to Joe the Plumber's home, a restaurant has put together A 20 pound burger. That's 20 pounds with the condiments. Take a look at this monstrosity:I mean, that's a big burger - and the guy in the picture is 5'11" and only 180 pounds.

Well, it took Brad Sciullo four hours and 39 minutes (the time limit was 5 hours) to finish of the beast.

Why did he do it?

"I wanted to see if I could."

Well, this brings us back to Joe The Plumber.

A Plumber plumbs the depths, so to speak. it seems to me that if anyone is going to need the help of Joe the Plumber it is going to be these two guys.

If he can fix their problems, maybe then we should be interested in anything else he has to say.

I Must Be An Old Man

2008-10-13T19:49:00.002-04:00

I finally started texting on my cell phone - even if infrequently.

Now I find out that elephants can text.

Boy, I am behind the curve.

Elephants don't even have thumbs!!!!!

I mean - if we were talking about the Elephant Man perhaps - but a real elephant???

Or Republicans even - that I'd believe.

But A Real Elephant?????

I do not know what is worse

2008-10-13T06:44:00.002-04:00

1. The National Debt Clock is running out of digits

2. Beverly Hills Chihuahua was Number One at the box office for a second week.

You choose.

I find this shit funny

2008-10-11T10:35:00.003-04:00

Hey, I'm voting for Obama but this stuff is still great.

I have no doubt it was a Typo but it makes me laugh

I'm Back

2008-10-08T05:57:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around but there is so much new Television on and this season is shaping up to be one of the best. I got hooked into this new show Fringe and that is just messing me up.

Any way, here we go.

Point Number One - McCain has OFFICIALLY LOST MY VOTE.

While I do not agree with everyhting he stands for (his views on abortion particularly bother me), I do believe that he is as honorable a person as a politician can be. I don't quite think he is the maverick that he declares he is but he has bucked his party's leadership and is enough of a pain in the ass that he gets my "Monkey In The Wrench" award.

Where he has lost my vote is in the selection of Sarah Palin as Vice President. To put it bluntly and in true Yoda style:

"She's Hot but Ready She's Not."

The selection at first was a masterstroke. McCain was tapping into (or trying to tap into) the disenfranchised 18 million people who voted for Hillary Clinton during the primary.

Initially, she was placed before large crowds and she engendered the rock star treatment that McCain so decried when Obama received same. But lime an Onion, when you peeled back the layers, you saw the real deal.

The most telling aspect of Sarah Palin's inadequacy was her inability to come across forcefully in an interview with Katie Couric.

Katie Couric!!!!!! The most unchallenging interviewer ever to host the National News. Non-Confrontational is the key to katie.

And yet Palin could not handle it.

Fareed Zakaria, the Newsweek commentator, a conservative by nature in a liberal magazine wrote an opinion piece entitled "Palin Is Ready? Please."

I won't quote at lenght but it is a must read piece and it ends with the line:

Obviously these are very serious challenges and constraints. In these times, for John McCain to have chosen this person to be his running mate is fundamentally irresponsible. McCain says that he always puts country first. In this important case, it is simply not true.

John, you are a hero.

But you've lost my vote.

Point Number 2 - AIG HAS TO NAME NAMES

While Rome was burning, Nero Fiddled.

While AIG was drowning, many executives went to a freaking Resort and spent $24,000 of the rescue money on the SPA.

The St. Regis, located on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean midway between Los Angeles and San Diego, is "devoted to the pursuit of service and elegance," according to its Web site. A "health and wellness" package costs US$600 a night, with a two-night minimum.

Former CEO and Dunderhead Robert Willumstad said:

"I was totally unaware that there was any plan for any conference. Had I been aware of it I would have prevented it from happening."

Was this guy running AIG or Dunder Mifflin? Even the fictional Michael Scott would have known the trip was going on and recognized the impropriety (although one would think that he would have let it still occur).

Pathetic.

I did buy 100 shares of AIG stock at $2.62 a share.

Why, you ask?

So I can become the named plaintiff in a class action case when the time is right.

Thankfully Some Real News!

2008-09-25T06:49:00.001-04:00

Bored by Politics?

Worried About the Economy?

Can't Pay the Bills?

Well, here is a news story to take your mind of all of your worries.

It's a crime story to end all crime stories.

And what was the evil perp's excuse?

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

PETA: Off the Deep End -- AGAIN!

2008-09-24T19:59:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I have blogged (primarily because the new fall season has started) but I feel that I must post after reading the latest insanity from PETA.

Evidently, PETA wants Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream to stop using cow milk in its ice cream.

What???? No milk in Ice Cream???????

No, there will be milk in ice cream.

BREAST milk.

How sick is that?

Evidently, these retards at PETA want all of us to figuratively suck on the teat.

Mmmm...all because a Swiss restaurateur has decided that he is going to serve breast milk from nursing mothers.

This is supposed to lessen the suffering of cows from the milking process, but let me ask you this: Isn't a teat a teat? I mean, one teat is considerably larger than the other teat and you don't have to worry with whom the larger teat has slept.

In all seriousness, the folks from PETA have finally gone off the deep end. All I need is some crack ho donating her milk to Ben & Jerry's. I'll come down with a mystery disease and even Dr. House, MD will not be able to figure out it was from my nightly dose of Ben & Jerry's.

And what would we call the flavors???

Double Vanilla Chunks?
Titty Garcia?
Chubby Boobies?
Chocolate Peanut Breast Swirl?

Well, PETA is right about one thing:

The Breast IS Best.

The AIG Collapse: HANK's Letter to BOB

2008-09-21T10:33:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the delay.

I am Glad summer Is Over OUCH!

2008-09-21T10:25:00.002-04:00

What We Knew All Along

2008-09-18T06:40:00.001-04:00

Rosenbergs' sons admit father was spy

NEW YORK (AP) -- After years of professing their parents' innocence, the sons of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are acknowledging that their father was a spy.

The about-face came after their father's co-defendant, Morton Sobell, admitted for the first time that he and Julius Rosenberg stole nonatomic military and industrial secrets for the Soviet Union.

The Rosenbergs were executed in 1953 for passing atomic secrets to the Soviet Union. Since then, decoded Soviet cables have appeared to confirm that Julius was a spy, but doubts have remained about Ethel's involvement.

Read the whole story here courtesy of CNN

Why Willumstad was fired from AIG

2008-09-17T20:45:00.002-04:00

Part One - Check out this email to employees.

I referenced this earlier. This is the "Press Ahead" email.

Coming Tomorrow: Hank Greenberg's F*** You letter to Willumstad

Quote of The Year: R. Kelly

2008-09-17T20:41:00.006-04:00

"I can't keep answering these questions. If you was charged with something and you was found innocent, then you can't be found guilty for being found innocent."

AIG: The Strength To Be There.

2008-09-17T20:41:00.002-04:00

HEE HEE.

Kinda Funny, huh?

AIG Update: The Update of Updates

2008-09-17T05:57:00.003-04:00

AIG has avoided certain death for now.

The Wall Street Journal has a great article that outlines the bailout of AIG.

For $85 billion the government gets an 80% equity stake in the insurer and Robert Willumstad, bozo number 2, has been ousted as CEO and replaced by Robert Liddy who was CEO of Allstate.

This schmuck, Willumstad, sat quietly and fiddled while Rome burned.

As the meltdown continued Monday into Tuesday there was not a word from Willumstad - aside from a weak pansy - ass memo sent to employees which I will get my hands on and post here.

Something like "press ahead" or inspiring words to that effect.

Remember the end of Animal House when Chip Diller cries out "Remain Calm. All is well."

Remember what happened to him?

Picture Willumstad flattened on the sidewalk with only his head above ground, blinking in a stunned manner.

The Lady Doth Protest Too Much

2008-09-16T06:38:00.003-04:00

Sarah Palin (pictured above) has - without using the words - decided that there is a "vast LEFT wing conspiracy" against her.

Rather than make us believe that she actually did nothing wrong in TrooperGate and agreeing to cooperate fully to clear her name and prove her righteousness, she has engaged in behavior that can be called "Nixonian" in scope.

She's done nothing wrong and the whole probe is "tainted".

Maybe it is, but if so, Sarah Palin (pictured above), why not clear your name.

Even Nixon had his "Checkers" speech.

What do you have?

NOTHING!

You Gotta Love the Pope

2008-09-14T10:53:00.003-04:00

Pope Benedict the Umpteenth, the most powerful religious leader in the world and in charge of the richest religious institution ever, has proclaimed that he condemns the "love of money and power."

Does anyone tell him to play the words in his head before he speaks?

Well, we all knew Sarah Palin was a (Good-Looking) Lyin' sack of Shit.

2008-09-14T10:45:00.002-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/13/palin.iraq/index.html

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/09/14/for_palin_political_issues_still_unresolved_in_alaska/

http://www.suntimes.com/news/elections/1162811,ebertpalin091408.article

AIG Update 9-14-08

2008-09-14T10:42:00.001-04:00

I am not writing anything today.

You can read about it in the papers or on the 'net.

A personal appeal to my friends at this once venerable institution:

GET OUT

Fly The Friendly Skies? Not Anymore.

2008-09-14T10:36:00.002-04:00

"Hi. I'm Barbara. Fly me."

"Hi. I'm Louise. Fly Me."

"Hi. I'm Ralph. Fly Me."

That was the tagline from a highly successful United Airlines television spot.

Well, it shows you how things have changed.

The flight attendants are no longer total biscuits, looking more like they eat lots of biscuits, and now it is no longer the friendly skies.

With the new wi-fi available on planes, flight attendants want filters so that patrons cannot look at porn.

We might as well say good bye too the Mile High Club as we know it.

McCain: An OLD dog.

2008-09-12T06:27:00.001-04:00

Please check out the Republican Presidential candidate repeatedly checking out his HOT young inexperienced Running Mate's ass;

Can't teach an old dog new tricks, can you?

AIG Update 9-11-08

2008-09-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

From Reuters:

NEW YORK - Fears that American International Group Inc's large mortgage exposure could trigger another round of losses has rankled investors so much that the insurer has lost its iron grip as the world's industry leader by market value.

AIG's shares have tumbled more than 70 percent over the past year. Including steep declines this week, AIG's valuation has fallen to about $47 billion from roughly $175 billion a year ago, leaving it trailing such companies as AXA SA , with a market value of about $65 billion, according to Reuters data.

AIG started the week with a market value in excess of $60 billion.

The rest of the article is here for free!

9/11

2008-09-11T06:33:00.002-04:00

I was there.

I don't want to talk about it.

My thoughts go out to all who were affected by this terrible act of cowardice.

These colors don't run

Happy Birthday Mickey Hart

2008-09-11T06:11:00.003-04:00

The drummer for the Grateful Dead is 65 today. How is it possible that he gets older and I do not.

"The adventure of composition is a mystery. The muse has her ways, she hides from you, comes for you in the middle of the night, at midday, at dawn. You must believe wholeheartedly in this divine power. Its an elusive gift that can appear at any time, anywhere. Artists are in awe of it." Mickey Hart (Drummer, The Grateful Dead b. 1943)

AIG Update 9-10-08

2008-09-10T20:43:00.003-04:00

Closed at $17.50 down another 4.5%

Down another $0.13 in after hours trading.

Serves them right!

Let's look at the performance chart for the past year. Sort of looks like the approach to Mount Everest.

Warren Buffett - come on in and buy these guys.

R.I.P. Coney Island Date of Death 9-7-08

2008-09-08T21:40:00.010-04:00

I remember the halcyon days of my youth when seven or eight times every summer my father and I would head out to Coney Island.

Why?

Well, my grandmother lived there and we would visit her every week.

But that didn't mean we couldn't have fun.

And one of those things that we did to have fun was go to Astroland.

Astroland.

The very name of it makes me shiver with joy. Anchored by the parachute jump on the West and the inimitable Cyclone rollercoaster on the right, Astroland was a space themed amusement park with bumper cars, a fun house and a bunch of other rides that were just the absolutely cheesiest, yet the most fun a kid could have without going to jail.

The Pirate Ship, The Spinning Tea Cups (who didn't puke spinning on those!!!!!!) the Tilt A Whirl, the Amazing Ferris Wheel and the Carousel were all of my favorites as a kid. Let's not forget the "Games of Skill and Chance" that were hawked by carnies and while I was too young to play them Dad was one of the suckers that took a chance that he could hit down three lead milk bottles with a whiffle ball (for the record, it CANNOT be done).

And now it's all coming to an end.

Sure, The New York Mets have their Class-A Baseball team, The Brooklyn Cyclones, playing in nearby Keyspan Park right near the now defunct Parachute Jump (or as my friend Joe calls it, "The Water Tower").(pic: The Water Tower)

Sure, the New York Aquarium - the best I have been to - remains.

Sure, Nathan's Famous is there (and that is a hoot of a place to be when the Hot Dog Eating Contest is held on July 4th).

But Coney Island died for me this past Sunday, September 7, 2008.

Astroland shut its doors for the last time.

The daughter of the founder decided to close when real estate developer missed a deadline on a deal for negotiating a new lease. Carol Albert said she wanted a two year lease to protect her 300 employees through the summer of 2010.

A Thor spokesman weakly said the Company is:

"extremely disappointed that Carol Albert has decided to give up on the future of Coney Island when her current lease isn't even up for a number of months."

Seems like a weak excuse since Thor is building a $1,500,000,000 complex. The mission statement of Thor is:

“Thor Equities is invigorated by the pulse and vibrancy of major urban environments. We match this tenacity by pairing the right properties and the right investors to maximize results with solid planning and execution.” – Joseph J. Sitt, Chairman and CEO

One thing Coney Island was never short of was pulse and vibrancy. It also had grime, but with the way Rudy Guiliani cleaned up the rest of New York City, Coney Island was like a museum, a throwback to the sixties and seventies. I brought my kids here many, many times over the years and they enjoyed it as much as I did. We had lots of fun.

And now it's all gone.

I'll Take These Pics Down When MAD MAgazine sends me a cease and desist letter

2008-09-08T18:14:00.003-04:00

MAD Magazine is the Best Ever. These Pics are three reasons why.

Subscribe here.

Doesn't Anyone Listen To Me??????

2008-09-08T06:04:00.004-04:00

On September 1, 2008 I railed against our personal information being sent into outer space for fear of use by aliens.

Now comes word that Stephen Colbert's DNA is being sent into space and will be housed at the International Space Station.

When a race of large grinning fools destroys civilization as we know it I am going to say "I Told You So."

Palin: Pray Away The Gay (Sarah GayLin???)

2008-09-06T11:52:00.002-04:00

Hallelujah!

Just when you think that John McCain has done the out-of-the-box thinking by picking Sarah Palin, you find out stuff that proves that she's just Rush Limbaugh with Tits.

The Wasilla Bible Church has started a program called "Pray Away The Gay".

The McCain campaign seems to be Going Down faster than ...uh...well...uh...the Titanic.

Yeah, that's it.

McCain: The Gaffe that Keeps On Giving.

2008-09-06T09:45:00.007-04:00

Oh, this is one of my favorites. presidential Hopeful John McCain was giving his nominatory acceptance speech when the backdrop image was a pleasant looking school.

Why would there be a school in the background?

Well, it seems that Mr. McCain was trying to draw an image of Walter Reed medical Center, the site of the very embarrassing scandal in 2007 that showed that the army hospital was in horrible disrepair.

Someone from his campaign mistook Walter Reed Middle School for the medical center.

This is a strong example of the miscues that can arise on Live Television. The McCain campaign did not immediately respond to questions to find out why the school was used. In other words, they wanted time to cover up the mistake.

The school's response:

"It has been brought to the school's attention that a picture of the front of our school, Walter Reed Middle School, was used as a backdrop at the Republican National Convention," middle school Principal Donna Tobin said.

"Permission to use the front of our school for the Republican National Convention was not given by our school nor is the use of our school's picture an endorsement of any political party or view."

At least we know it wasn't McCain, who admittedly looked better against the school's green background than the hospital's gray one, since McCain does not even know how to turn on the computer.

But what if he picked it....Qualified to be commander in chief???

I think not.

update:

Click on this for a take on the story from an alumni of the middle school

Occupation Specific Jokes

2008-09-06T01:28:00.002-04:00

I found an article in the Wall Street Journal and sent it to my friend Gumby. he has a thing for the Large Hadron Collider and this article dealt with the physicists who hired a stand up comic to teach them stand up comedy.

I thought it was amusing. My favorite joke was "Do my bosons give you a hadron?"

Gumby in his blog thought otherwise.

But it does give rise to the age-old question: Do occupation specific jokes really work?

I am going to have to say NO, based upon Steve Martin's Plumber joke.

So, I hear we have some plumbers in the house tonight - big plumbing convention in town this week - so I thought I'd make a special joke, just for you, the plumbers, so here we go.

If you're not a plumber, please sit tight, laugh along anyway, the joke is hilarious even if you don't get it. Because you're not a plumber. But if you ARE a plumber, you'll love it.

So, here we go. Big plumbing joke.

So, these two guys are working on a golf course reticulation system and the first guy says to his buddy 'George, I can't get this flange backed off.' Well, old George looks over and says 'Jeez Pete, you need to use a 3/4" gangly wrench on a Hobson spigot'. Pete says 'I am, pass me yours, maybe mine's broken'. So George... George passes his tool across .. and then Pete says 'GANGLY wrench? I thought you said DANDY wrench!!'..

I think Gumby may be on to something

From the Associated Press

2008-09-03T20:35:00.003-04:00

ST. PAUL, Minn. - John McCain’s campaign on Wednesday angrily called for an end to questions about its review of Sarah Palin’s background, deriding a “faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee” for vice president.

“This nonsense is over,” declared senior campaign adviser Steve Schmidt in a written statement.

The statement stood out for its admission that Palin is under siege — it condemns “this vetting controversy” — and for its attempt to blunt questions about how rigorously McCain and his campaign explored the background of a candidate who may get the nation’s second most powerful job. It also suggested that Palin is a victim of gender bias in the media.

Yet the McCain campaign doesn't mention it's own faux media scandal designed to destroy the first African American presidential candidate from any party.

It would be funny if it weren't obvious that McCain has played the race card by not denouncing Jerome Corsi's vile book "Obama Nation."

Th old white guy lost my vote.

"In A World Not of Tomorrow But of Today"

2008-09-02T20:12:00.005-04:00

We mourn the loss of Don LaFontaine.

This is the one guy whose name you might not know but whose voice is stuck indelibly in your mind.

Don LaFontaine whose looks might not have been known to you either recently starred in a Geico commercial being one of those celebrities who told real; person's stories in their own voices.

He was no peter Frampton, nor was he a Verne Troyer, nor was he a Peter Graves or Little Richard but he was as known to us as some of our friends.

He was the guy in the previews in the movies who started off "In a world of tomorrow" or some such phraseology.

He was the undisputed master of his art and he died Monday at the age of 68 years old.

Don, you will be missed. Movie Trailers will not be the same.

Now, Here is A Reason To Keep Oil Prices High

2008-09-01T15:23:00.005-04:00

FROM THE "CELEBRITIES ARE MORONS" DEPARTMENT:

Woe is Sean Combs.

The recession must have hit this idiot really hard. As reported on CNN.com, P. Silly has requested his Saudi Arabian brothers to give him oil for free so he can fly his personal jet.

Evidently, flying commercial is taking an emotional toll on him.

The story quoted Dim Witty as saying:

"I'm actually flying commercial," Diddy said before walking onto an airplane, sitting in a first-class seat and flashing his boarding pass to the camera. "That's how high gas prices are. I'm at the gate right now. This is really happening, proof gas prices are too high. Tell whoever the next president is we need to bring gas prices down."

Here is the video. He is a moron. Joking or Not, he is a moron.

from the "Fly Me To The Moon" Department

2008-09-01T00:29:00.006-04:00

I don’t wish to copy my friend Gumby’s posts so I’ll give this post a new spin.

In 2009 the Keplar mission will take off. It is a quest by NASA to find other earth-sized planets in other solar systems. You can read about it here. It is not my intent to belabor this grand program, what some would call a grand waste of money.

Now, Gumby told me that you could post your name which will be included on a DVD that is put into space.

So I did it and I got this nifty certificate:

But you ought to be careful. There are an awful lot of people who are putting their real names on these certificates.

Why the hell would they do that?

Gone are the days of ET and Starman. Lately we have been attacked by Slim Whitman hating Martians or just downright evil aliens who have blown up the Empire State Building and The White House and half of Los Angeles with their ultimate weapons. Oh, there are many other evil aliens out there.

Why would you even think of giving your name to an alien? Does the phrase "Tempting The Fates" mean anything to you? Do you think that we are the only people in the world? Are you really looking to invite these aliens here?

Doesn't the past mean anything to you?

Why man, why?

Even if you don’t put in your state and region as indicated on the form, don’t you think that aliens who have the ability to fly from different planets (clothes-less, I might add) know about Google or anywho.com and have the ability to look it up.

For those of you who have already put your name in, move.

For the rest of you, keep your identities secret.

Sometimes identity theft is not the biggest reason to protect your identity.

Sometimes, it’s just aliens.

from the "Doesn't Make Him A Bad Guy" department:

2008-08-29T08:55:00.003-04:00

A community college president was forced to resign when a photo surfaced of him holding a keg on beautiful Lake Okoboji in Iowa.

Unfortunately, he was holding the keg above the mouth of a young woman and pouring beer into her mouth.

He said that he was not dispensing beer.

The College said that he reflected poorly upon them.

But Robert Paxton (above) has the last laugh. A truly American last laugh.

A $400,000 severance package and health benefits.

God, What a country!!!!!!! It pays to be a member of the Rotary Club International.

The Big Idea: From Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Zee

2008-08-27T23:11:00.005-04:00

My friend Gumby has taken time off from his excellent Science Post until after Labor Day so I thought I'd fill the void with a non-science post.

I have taken a recent look at the past and have decided that it was a pretty good harbinger of the future. Today's future to be specific.

I am, of course, speaking about The Planet Of The Apes movies.

For Shits and Giggles, I purchased the Legacy box set because I was one of those who, as a kid - let's face it, I WAS the target audience having been born in 1959 - went to go see the marathon of all five movies in the theatres in one day that coincided with the release of the short-lived television show in September 1974.

Most of us have seen the original Planet of the Apes. Well, if you haven't you should. The first movie was just a perfect social satire and social commentary made all the more relevant by the raging war in Vietnam - although Richard Zanuck, the 20th Century Fox Studio head, has said no such commentary was intended.

For the three of you who have not seen the movie, here is quick recap. A spaceman crash lands with two others on a planet ruled by talking apes. people don't talk and the apes do. That's why it is called planet of the apes. okay?????

The society is divided into four segments. First there are the orangutans who are the lawgivers, the learned and the politicians. Then there are the Chimpanzees who represent the scientific and the rational and then there are the gorillas who purely represent the militaristic, aggressive part of each society. Finally, there are the humans who are the weak and worthless.

The movie had it all, action and adventure and a marvelous sense of humor. And it had the last action hero – Charlton Heston – and one of the greatest movie endings of all time.

Everyone liked the first movie, but what about the sequels????

They have generally been viewed in a lesser light and in the case of Battle for the Planet of the Apes, perhaps rightfully so but in watching them recently in close proximity in time has shed a greater light on their perspicacity.

Beneath The Planet of the Apes
This first sequel follows astronaut Brent who has been spent in search of Taylor [Heston] and lands on the same planet. There he meets up with Nova, the bodacious squeeze of Taylor. In the film’s opening sequence, a series of psychedelic shots that springboard off of the ending of the first movie show the danger of the forbidden zone in to which Taylor and Nova have gone in search of the dumb-founding truth.

Well, that crazy Nova – she actually takes Brent [played by Heston look-a-like James Franciscus, sort of a Taylor-light!] back to Ape City and one of the first scenes we see is a congregation of Gorillas, Orangutans and Chimpanzees listening to General Ursus (the great James Gregory) spout things like “the only good human is a dead human”.

Come on – anyone sees the parallels here???? The cries of “the only good Al Qaeda is a dead Al Qaeda” have been heard – although in 1970, one would think that the Russians/Commies were the target of such epithets.

And then there is the apocalyptic tone of the movie, thanks to those damned mutants whose makeup scared the beejezus out of me when I was a kid, along with the production design of the underground city, whose content I will not give away as a courtesy to those three people who do not know where the Planet of the Apes is.

Escape from the Planet of The Apes.
This third movie opens up on current day Earth when three chimpanzees have cut through the time and space continuum with Taylor’s spaceship. They are treated with dubiousness until they speak and then are thrust into the media spotlight in scenes that presage the total clusterfuck that we today call the paparazzi.

The movie has a great sense of humor until it is discovered that the female chimpanzee is pregnant and then, all of a sudden, bad government comes into play. There can be no propagation of the species. And government does win out, setting up the shocking climax.

Conquest Of the Planet of the Apes/ Battle for the Planet of the Apes.
Well, I am not going to say much about these two movies because those three people who haven’t seen the original and who may not know the “secret” but, once again, the themes of authoritarian state versus slavery, man killing man (or ape killing ape) and unwanted military action are issues that resonate through until today.

Battle for the Planet of the apes really is a lesser effort but in all fairness the director of the movie did state that they set out to make a “kid’s science fiction action movie” and on that note, it scores a direct hit. There really isn’t much of a moralistic message in the movie and you can see that it really is a very low budget movie (the battle scenes are shot in almost close up with a lot of quick takes – not very impressive).

Overall, the Quintology of the Planet of the Apes will not go down in history as GREAT movies but, rather, decidedly good movies that still have the ability to resonate on a political nature, especially in today’s times.

As Troy McClure once sang:

I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No, you'll never make a monkey out of me

A Post –script Spoiler Alert:

With all due respect to those three people who do not know where the Planet of the Apes is, you will not want to watch this clip:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Stop-The-Planet-Of-The-Apes-I-Want-To-Get-Off

"Al Qaeda: Come Get US. We're Vulnerable Now."

2008-08-22T06:24:00.003-04:00

That's basically what the Democrats in Congress have done by stating that the terrorist database upgrade is not going well or at all.

To me, it is all noble and good to have hearings about a potential waste of $500,000,000 to upgrade a system that is not even working. It should be lauded.

what should not be lauded is this silly Democrat's attempt to publicize it - in effect telling Osama that are defenses are currently down.

How about secret intelligence hearings? Anyone ever hear of that.

More Dopery from Congress.

Rosie O'Donnell - WRONG AGAIN!!!!

2008-08-21T19:53:00.003-04:00

World Trade Center 7 Report Puts 9/11 Conspiracy Theory to Rest

Conspiracy theorists have long claimed that explosives downed World
Trade Center 7, north of the Twin Towers. The long-awaited report from
the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) conclusively
rebuts those claims. Fire alone brought down the building, the report
concludes, pointing to thermal expansion of key structural members as the
culprit. The report also raises concerns that other large buildings might be
more vulnerable to fire-induced structural failure than previously thought.

In 2007, Rosie O'Donnell said:

“I do believe that it’s the first time in history that fire has ever melted
steel. I do believe that it defies physics that World Trade Center tower
7—building 7, which collapsed in on itself—it is impossible for a building to
fall the way it fell without explosives being involved. World Trade Center 7.
World Trade [Center] 1 and 2 got hit by planes—7, miraculously, the first time
in history, steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible.”

She continued: “To say that we don’t know that it imploded, that it was an
implosion and a demolition, is beyond ignorant. Look at the films, get a physics
expert here [on the show] from Yale, from Harvard, pick the school—[the
collapse] defies reason.”

It is obvious that Rosie needs medicine. She has nothing in her brain that holds information back. She blathers. She bloviates and she is always WRONG.

She should try putting facts in her brain instead of ding dongs in her mouth.

While it has long been believed by conspiracy theorists (a/k/a MORONS) that the government brought down, via controlled demolition, 7 World trade Center to hide its complicity in 9/11. there were secret files in 7 WTC that linked the US Government to Al Qaeda, that there were money records that showed that Israel was responsible for 9/11, that Jimmy Hoffa was in there or Judge Crater (who's he?) was buried there - you name it, I've heard it.

Well, the National Institute of Standards and technology (NIST) released its long awaited report which says in essence:

"Rosie, you are a moron. Fire weakened the structure of the thirteenth
floor. It IS physically possible you DOLT."

God bless Popular Mechanics for being on the leading edge of this story since 2002. They have done a tremendous job answering many of the questions surrounding the vents of September 11, 2001 and they have earned this science doofus' admiration for explaining things in a simple proper manner with support for their positions.

I'd get a subscription to their magazine but I don't think I'd understand most of it.

There's only one question they don't answer:

How come 7 World Trade Center had a thirteenth floor?

AIG Update August 21, 2008

2008-08-21T19:48:00.002-04:00

$19.78

That's just 5 cents off the lowest point in the past 15 years.

Woo Hoo.

Had to Share This Picture

2008-08-19T21:31:00.001-04:00

You have to love the Catskills.

All types are there. And they don't care what they look like.

Mini Movie and DVD Reviews

2008-08-18T21:43:00.004-04:00

1. Tropic Thunder - Run, don't walk, to see this movie. This is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. Everyone in this movie steals a scene or two and the riff on Hollywood is just pitch perfect. Robert Downey Jr as a white man dyed black who cannot stop being black even when he knows the movie isn't being filmed is great as is Tom Cruise as a bald, fat, hirsute, obscenity spewing, screaming Jewish Hollywood executive - and Tom Cruise steals the film. Since there are 3 fake trailers and a fake commercial you may not know when reality ends and the movie begins. Long Live Alpa Chino! 4 out of 5

2. The Woman in The Window - Edward G. Robinson and Fritz Lang, need I say more? I guess I must. Eddie plays a college professor entranced with the portrait of a beautiful woman. when he meets her - in the form of Joan Bennett, he gets caught up in a web of murder and deceit and the walls close in on him as the main suspect in the murder of Joan's friend. The movie is cold and clinical with depictions of crime scene investigation that would make Jerry Bruckheimer proud. The ending is a slam banger and well worth the rental. 5/5

3. Bubba Ho-Tep - Elvis never died. he switched places with the leading Elvis impersonator. The Elvis impersonator is the guy who died. The real Elvis (beautifully played by Bruce Campbell), going under the name of Sebastian Haff, now lives in a shitty Texas nursing home, waiting to die - his worst problem is an inflammation on his dick, until a mummy in cowboy hat and boots starts stealing the souls of the nursing home residents. Now it's up to Elvis with help from John F. Kennedy (played by Ossie Davis. Yes, Ossie Davis. YES, THAT Ossie Davis) who also did not die but who was died black after the attempted assassination and whose brain - or a large part of it- was removed and replaced with a bag of sand, to get rid of the murderous mummy. Do I need to review this movie? I hope not. Watch and enjoy. 4/5.

The Right Hand Doesn't Know What The Left Hand Is Doing!

2008-08-18T21:07:00.002-04:00

Both of these stories appeared on MSNBC.COM today.

The first one was titled "Half of college students consider suicide".

The second one was titled "College presidents seek drinking age debate" with the subtitle: "They are calling on lawmakers to consider moving age back to 18."

I don't know about you but many issues relating to suicide are caused by depression and it has long been thought that drinking could potentially bring on depression.

Are the stories unrelated?

Probably.

But you would think that MSNBC would have someone checking these stories to make sure they don't run on the same day.

Ugly Women Wanted

2008-08-18T06:47:00.005-04:00

Mount Isa, Queensland, Austrlia is about 900 miles away from Brisbane.

It is a mining town in the outback.

Because it is a mining town there are 5 men to every woman.

Damn it man, there are carnal urges abounding that a good game of darts can't solve - and because the mayor doesn't want to live up to the tourist board's motto: "Mount Isa - Where the men are Men and the Sheep are Scared!" he has offered up a beautiful solution to the ptroblem:

"May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where
there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa."

This has sparked outrage.

Well, today everything sparks outrage.

I think 27 year old Anna Warrick, a Mount Isa resident said it the best:

"We've got a saying up here that the odds are good, but the goods are odd."

You can read about it here.

Life Sucks And Then You Die: Happy Birthday Denis Leary

2008-08-18T06:18:00.003-04:00

Everyone's favorite cynic turns 51 today and we'd like to share his philosophy of life:

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."

Ewwwwww!

2008-08-15T16:18:00.000-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26176462/

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook" Julia Child, (Famous American Chef and Spy born on 1912 - 2004)

2008-08-15T06:33:00.003-04:00

So Julia Child was a Spy???

To me, this is one of those great news stories that would not be believable if I had not read many years ago that Hedy (that's Hedley!) LaMarr invented a Secret Communication System called a Frequency-hopped spread spectrum invention that was given a patent in 1941. Although it was not used until 1962 during the Bay of Pigs, but only after the patent had expired (damned US Government!!!!!)

The point is anything is possible.

Back to Julia Child. One can only think that "Oh, I've cut my finger" was a secret communication line that caused twelve Nazis to be executed. One can only hope.

Anyway, many of us who read spy fiction have heard of the Office of Strategic Services, or OSS. what many of us did not know wa the number of high profile people involved in the organization.

Besides the Franch Chef, we have Sterling Hayden, Arthur Goldberg, Miles Copelands( the father of the Police's Stewart Copeland), Thomas "Eight is freaking Enouhg already" Braden, as well as Kermit Roosevelt (son of Teddy) and Moe Berg.

Thanks to all of these folks for service to our country.

There’s no business like law business

2008-08-12T21:16:00.003-04:00

There’s no business like law business
There’s no business I know.
Everyone involved in it’s appealing
From every stupid order down
below
There’s always some moronic client squealing
And some lawyer stealing
Another’s dough

(apologies to Ethel Merman)

All litigation arises out of an event. Some of these events are sublime. Most are ridiculous.

Look on the internet long enough an d you will come across “The Stella Awards”. These awards are the flip side of my favorites—The Darwin Awards—because they do not celebrate the deaths of the materially stupid. No, the Stellas celebrate the triumph of the stupid over their own stupidity and proving that these stupid people are not the stupidest people around—no, that honor is left for the juries that have allowed the stupid people to recover for their own stupidity.

The Stella Awards are named for a woman named Stella Liebeck. Now, you have never heard of her but you have heard of her lawsuit. Try recalling McDonalds? Doesn’t work? How about adding in hot coffee? Some people are getting it. I can see it in your eyes. Now try adding in $2,900,000 because the coffee was hot and McDonalds did not tell Stella that the coffee was hot. You see, where Stella came from had to be Iceland, where coffee could never be as hot as it is in America because Iceland is a cold country. Its very name gives me a chill (Uh-oh, the guy next to me on the train is trying to tell me that Iceland is the nice country with green fields and a pretty decent climate and the Greenland is the country that is a barren wasteland of ice. He has got to be wrong. How could they improperly name these countries—unless lawyers were involved).

Anyway Stella was drinking her coffee one day and it spilled on her giving her a burn. A jury nodded their heads and agreed with Stella (actually, agreeing with her lawyers) that McDonalds had an affirmative obligation to warn that the coffee was hot which is why now if you look at the cups of coffee you get from any fast food place you will see a warning printed along the bottom that says “Caution: The Coffee You Are About To Drink Is Hot” I know that somewhere, someplace there is a plaintiff’s attorney that is dreaming up a breach of contract lawsuit from someone who did not get hot coffee as promised. (I will discuss this later in the section of this book entitled “Without Lawyers We would Not Have These Great Warnings).

I had a case once in which some woman claimed that a home electrolysis kit caused her to develop epileptic seizures. Terrible, to be sure, but after investigation, we had determined that the kit gave off about three volts of electricity, nowhere near the charge necessary to trigger an epileptic attack. It did not prevent the lawyer from wasting tons of his client’s valuable money in a lost cause.

Perhaps one of my favorite cases never went into suit but you could tell that the person made a claim in the hopes that enough noise would get her some do-[re-mi. This woman claimed that the tortfeasor (one who makes the torts feasible) sold her a $650 bottle of face cream that burned her face. A female investigator was dispatched to meet with the woman, who claimed all along that she had “a lawyer friend downtown” (she was obviously a Tennessee Williams fan) and that she was in no way no how going to accept a “nuisance” offer. The investigator’s report indicated that the woman was ugly and that this was a pre-existing condition that was not however exacerbated by the product.

Events come in all shapes and sizes. I have told you about a couple of small ones above. The lawsuit against Union Carbide for the toxic gas cloud It allegedly unleashed in Bhopal, India is, admittedly, a large one. The lawsuit brought by that firm that theta Brockovich woman was a part of was another big one. The bankruptcy filing by Worldcom is another large one.

What do all of these lawsuits, large and small, ridiculous and sublime have in common. They all keep lawyers in the money.

You see, we are a long way from the days of the medieval justice court in which Joe the blacksmith accused Artie the miller (not the playwright) of stealing sheep. In fact, there were no lawyers then. A bunch of smelly men stood around arguing before the wise man in the village and things were ironed out in record time whether or not justice was served. Today you here the phrase “miscarriage of justice” spoken all of the time. This is spoken usually when something goes against the way you want it [Notice the use of the personal pronoun—when one party feels there has been a miscarriage of justice the other party thinks things went A-OK]. In the old days, there was no miscarriage. Judge Wapner made his decision. If you stole sheep your hand was cut off and you required help opening your ketchup bottle. There were no rights of appeal. You took your punishment like a man.

Today, you go to court. The first thing you do is file a complaint. I am going to cut out the legalese here. Your complaint is your claim against the other party, whether it is a natural person or an unnatural corporation or person. You must specify what facts occurred [“I was changing a tire when the defendant’s car hit my fat ass.”] You must specify the causes of action. In a great majority of cases the prime cause of action is negligence or breach of contract. What is negligence? Think of negligence in simple terms. You ask your cousin Tony to install some drywall in your house. In doing so, he swings a 2x4 and hits into a window air conditioner causing it to fall out of the window and landing on your neighbor’s car. Sort of an unintended Rube Goldberg-esque situation. Negligence is not getting injured jumping in front of a moving car to get on the show Jackass. That is gross stupidity. If Tony repeatedly hits your neighbor with the 2x4 (probably because he owed him money, what else?) this would be considered intentional conduct.

Complaints can be either short or long or, in most cases, really really long. Automobile cases usually require a couple of pages, medical malpractice cases require more than that and business dispute complaints are even longer. Why? Because a recent study from the Frammis institute has concluded that the more words in a complaint, the better chance for recovery. This is because most people, lawyers included, would rather mortgage their houses to the hilt than read the complaint so they settle more quickly. I have often thought that we could cut down on in-house legal staffs if we just agree to a national standard of weights and measures. For every 1/10th of one ounce a complaint weights, plaintiff automatically receives X amount of dollars.

When drafting your complaint, you must also specify damages. Since we all know from the movie The Verdict that the amount sought in the complaint does not limit the damages awarded by the court you can put in any amount or just indicate that the amount is more than the “mini mum jurisdictional amount of the court”. This is fancy language for saying “hey judge, whatever the smallest amount you can award is, I want more.” It never hurts, though, to be absolutely sure. Some years ago at the height of Reagan inefficiency, I knew a joker who would list the damages sought as the amount of the national debt the morning he typed up the complaint. When I asked him why he did this, he always said “maybe I’ll get lucky”. You must ask for specific types of damages. Compensatory damages are those damages intended to make you whole for your loss. Items of these damages can include pain and suffering, lost wages, and special damages. To think of special damages, just think of items that you have paid for out of pocket at your lawyer’s suggestion, such as : cane, neck brace, walker, stripper (I mean masseuse), 372 chiropractic visits and a spinal tap. The other type of damages is called punitive damages. These are dam ages intended to deter the defendant from engaging in bad conduct in the future and the amounts of punitive damages can be m any, many multiples of compensatory damages. I have often thought that the punitive aspect should not be monetary in nature, but should be something for which all can benefit. An example that comes to mind is to have the bad guys sat upon b y a very large sweaty Lithuanian wrestler.

You must use fancy language in your complaint. We have spoken about Latin before. Other ways to confuse and confound your adversary are to use phrases such as “on or about” as in “on or about March 23rd, defendant’s car hit my fat ass.” It would seem to me that if someone’s car hit my fat ass I would know specifically what day to plead in the complaint. But lawyers are afraid to be exact, since with exactitude there is no room for wiggling. Also, fancy language ensures that you throw in the most tortured narrative you can put together and state that this bad conduct caused “ennui.” (Yes, I know, I had to look it up too).

There is one exception to the fancy language rule: the prisoner pro se case. Pro Se is another Latin term. It means “complete disregard of Shakespeare’s advice.” It is the quintessential “do it yourself” kit for lawsuits. However, pro se, when modified by the word prisoner, completely changes the meaning to “I got nothing better to do with my time so I am gonna sue your stupid motherf****** ass”. In both prisoner and non-prisoner pro se cases, there are no lawyers. So maybe the prisoners are onto something. Nevertheless, I am always amazed at the defense put on by real lawyers when they come up against pro se litigants. “This guy has made some arguments that are appealing to the judge,” they always say to me. To which I find myself responding, “Maybe I should hire them.” Instead of one lawyer on the defense side, there are multiple lawyers and never any junior attorneys and all of the senior attorneys bill anywhere from $175 per hour to $400 per hour. All of this to fight some guy sitting in an 8x8 jail cell laughing his ass off, preparing his next lawsuit, that to get Rice Krispies served at breakfast. Sometimes the prisoner pro se cases have merit. It is these cases that the ACLU gets involved with because they are also attorneys who have nothing better to do with their time. You know, fighting for important rights such as cable television, more exercise time in ‘the yard’ and such trivial matters as protection from cruel and inhuman punishment.

Enough diversion.

When your complaint is filed, the complaint must be answered in strong terms. Strong but legal. You cannot say “The Plaintiff is full of shit.” That is not legal like. Lawyers do not talk that way. No, you must say something like “the allegations in the complaint are denied”. Even better is the legal shorthand. Let’s say your complaint has 12 paragraphs six of which are denied. Some defense attorneys say “paragraphs 1,3,5,7 & 9 are admitted and paragraphs 2,4,6,8, &10 are denied.” But my favorite is what we call in New York “DKI”. This is the old denied upon knowledge and information. It is the weasel’s way of saying “I checked with my client and he does not want to check his records and he’s not sure but he knows you are full of shit so we are going to deny this.” Another neat lawyer trick.

So far so good. So far the process is going smoothly. It’s like third grade in Mrs. Greenbaum’s class when Andy Cheslow said I hit him and I denied it. Now let’s throw a monkey wrench into the proceedings. Mrs. Greenbaum is probably dead now but I am sure that her eyes would roll around in her head if I would have said “I am not going to deny what Andy just said. He does not even state a cause of action against me so I would like to make a motion to dismiss.” Huh?

What Andy meant was that there was no basis for me to make a claim against him. Similarly, in a lawsuit, this motion may be made especially when some rule, law, regulation speaks directly to the conduct at hand. In addition, there are many other motions that can be made instead of filing the answer, such as the motion for a more definite statement, the motion to strike the complaint, the motion to enlarge time to answer, and the exotic sounding demurrer. My favorite is the motion to have the plaintiff and defendant go at it in a Battle Royale. We could try to sell this little used one and go back to a frontier justice sort of mentality.

A word about motions: They are clearly tools invented by lawyers for lawyers. Judges do not read these things. They are stacks of papers, some nearly 50 pages in length that are so boring they make the Communist Manifesto seem like a John Grisham novel. The best thing to hear from a lawyer is “we have a great shot on this motion to dismiss.” Translated this means “I have found a new way to bill time on this file.” Run for the hills. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Better yet, if you are the defendant, tell the lawyer that you will make him a deal. Tell him to bill his time for the motion to dismiss. Tell him you will pay him double if the motion is decided and the case is ended but tell him that you will pay nothing if the motion is denied. Why should we do this? Because when the motion is denied, the defense attorney’s response is always “damned judge wouldn’t know a precedent if it fell on him.”

Of course, motion practice can lead to problems as well—of course. One of the favorite outcomes of motions for judges is “Granted but plaintiff is given thirty days leave to amend his complaint”. What does this mean? It means that the plaintiff’s attorney was truly stupid because he did not plead the plaintiff’s case properly and the judge agreed with your argument that the attorney was stupid but with your funding (normally in the range of $20,000 to $700,000) your defense attorney has sent a signal to his adversary and the judge which says “make me look good in front of my client but I am telling you that you look stupid and here is where you look stupid so correct it and we can get on our merry way”. The judge who used to be part of the fraternity of lawyers understands this—especially since he was usually the plaintiff’s attorney getting his cases dismissed but being given leave to amend. So with nods and winks all around, the judge has granted the motion but there is time to correct the pleadings. Oh, we band of brothers.

The great thing about a motion to dismiss is it is invariably more expensive than a telephone call. Presumably, a motion requires many hours in the library to research arcane minutiae of the law. In larger firms, the so-called “white shoe” firms ( presumably because they wear white shoes with black socks) with several thousand lawyers apiece, several lawyers (usually associates) are tasked to research areas of the law in team fashion regardless of whether or not they have researched the exact issue before. Something could have changed since last week. A lawyer was sued for malpractice (justice?). His lawyer filed a motion to dismiss the case based upon the doctrine of ripeness. What the hell is that, you say? Very good, because when I was in law school, one page out of one thousand was dedicated to this rather arcane topic. It seems as though the case that the sued lawyer was handling was not yet over so in the defense lawyer’s mind the legal malpractice case was not ripe to be brought. Like a prematurely picked banana. He files this motion. It is GRANTED. The two lawyers do their little hora/tarantella and rejoice. Six months later, the underlying case is over in a manner not favorable to lawyer number 1 so lawyer number 2 is back in business.

One other thing about motions to dismiss. When they are filed, we lawyers do NOT refer to them as an MTD. A friend of mine graduated law school around the time that he saw A Few Good Men and there is a scene in which Tom Cruise (while wielding a baseball bat, as lawyers should be doing when discussing business) indicates he is going to file an MTD. He uses this term not once, but twice. Please, if you are lawyer, do not use this term unless you are better looking than Tom Cruise ( I am not—so I say motion to dismiss. I am better looking then John Merrick, the elephant man, so there are other things I can say).

So, as we have noted, whether or not the attorney files a motion to dismiss, we are going to get to the next stage of the game which is called Discovery and Motion Practice. I should not give the wrong impression. Many attorneys do not file such rudimentary motions as the previously mentioned (or as we say in the law ‘aforementioned’) motion to dismiss. Many want to get directly to the discovery stage where the real lucre can be made. Lucre is Latin for money which is where we get the word lucrative, which is how many lawyers treat their reasons for litigating which seems to me to be the reason why attorneys like to use Latin in the first place.

Discovery is exactly what it sounds like. It is to discover things about the other side’s case. Oh, you could break into your adversary’s office but many years ago they used guns to enforce discovery rules and many a law career was ended in the pursuit of justice. Therefore, it was necessary to construct the rules in a different fashion. In 1795, Thomas Jefferson, not the soon to be President, but the guy who really had the idea of forming the American Bar Association wrote to his fellow lawyers in the newly formed United States and told him that there should be rules “with respects to the causes pled.” All of his fellow lawyers answered him with a resounding affirmative, with the exception of soon to be President John Adams, who thought it was written by soon to be President Thomas Jefferson, a man whom Adams fully despised.

There are three different types of discovery: Oral, written and illegal. Despite the ancestral histories mentioned, supra (not a car but a lawyerly way of saying ‘above’) illegal discovery still occurs. However, illegal discovery does give rise to the best stories. Many years ago, in New York City, an investigator was asked to go photograph a hole that someone tripped over. The investigator took the pictures but was he himself photographed making the whole bigger. It might’ve gone unnoticed if it was not reported in the daily harbinger of all things legal, the New York Post.

Written discovery comes in what is known as interrogatories everywhere in the country, except New York, where it is referred to as a bill of particulars and in California where it is known as rolling papers. (As I write this, I am still contemplating a separate chapter for all things Californian) The purpose of interrogatories is to ask questions, to interrogate if you will, the opposing party on such matters as name, address, mother’s maiden name and then questions regarding the case. The questions are generally boilerplate. Sometimes, you will look at them and say I’m not giving them the answer to this question. How dare they ask that! Those bastards!” or something else in furious indignation (always in furious indignation—otherwise, what’s the point?) Sometimes the questions are redundant. Sometimes one question requires several questions to ask. Consider the following:

Q. When did you stop beating your wife?

This will generally come out in interrogatories as:

Q. Please indicate if you have beaten your wife?

Q. If the answer to the preceding question is in the negative, please indicate where
she got her bruises.

Q. Please indicate the time frame in which the spouse of the first part was beaten?

Q. Please indicate the manner in which the spouse of the first part was beaten?

Q. Please indicate what sporting events you were watching when the beatings took place

Q. Would you do it again?

Q. SO you said Yes, so you admit it, huh. As long as you admit, please give us full
particulars.

As you can see, the truly gifted attorney will create stepping stones for the building up of information in the case. Unfortunately for the entire process, interrogatories are written. No one is going to read interrogatories and jump up confess “I did it” by merely looking at words on a page. No, once again, the whole purpose of interrogatories is to give the attorneys more billable time. How does this occur? Let’s take a look at the following scenario.

Let’s assume we Are Dealing with a commercial dispute (not about TV ads, a business dispute) in which both attorneys are billing their time by the hour. Interrogatories are served upon the defendant. (billable item number 1) The defendant has a set amount of time to answer the interrogatories, usually thirty days. By day 60 there is no answer so the plaintiff’s attorney sends a letter to the defense attorney telling him the interrogatories are overdue (billable item number 2). Then he calls him up—“hey, Joe, it’s Sam, how are you, did you catch the Knicks game last night, when are we going to get together to play golf. How are the kids doing? Emily is going to NYU in the fall, hey that’s great. See any good movies lately. No shit. You liked it, huh? Great. Listen gotta go—get me those rogs on the Hungadunga case. No problem. Bye” (entire conversation billable item number 3). The defense attorney forgets to file the answers (he still bills for it so billable item number 4) so the plaintiff’s attorney now files a motion (what did I tell you?) to preclude the defense attorney from using any of the information that would have been contained in the interrogatories because of the failure to answer the interrogatories. (billable item number 5) The defense attorney ahs to answer this motion (billable item number 6) and they both dick around setting a date for the hearing before the judge (billable items number 7, 8 & 9) and then there is the hearing before the judge (sorry, supra is an incorrect usage here—and by the way that is billable item 10). Then there is the conversation with the client to let them know how the hearing went (items 10 & 11). Then the judge issues his decision and both parties read it (items 12 & 13) and then communicate with their clients again (items 14 & 15). And then because the judges usually give the non-responsive party one more time to prove they can play nice in the sandbox, the attorney then gets to prepare answers to the interrogatories (billable item 16) and the plaintiff’s attorney gets to read the answers (billable item 17).

I have used a simplified scenario to make a point.

I am not even taking into account the length of the answers to the interrogatories. That would, in certain books, require a chapter in and of itself. I have a friend in California (maybe I need a separate chapter) who will need to remain nameless who answers every interrogatory question along the following lines:

The question is objected to on the grounds that it asks for privileged information that is protected by the attorney client privilege as well as the work product doctrine and the priest penitent privilege and including but not limited to the fact that it is vexatious, argumentative, redundant, obnoxious, unholy, stinky, a case of poor sportsmanship and above all is so probative it might hurt my client’s own case. Notwithstanding all of these objections, the answer is NO.

Sometimes he will even write “I don’t know and interpose ( another lawyer word for ‘state’) even more objections. Again , all of this is done in the search for money.

But let’s face it, this type of stuff is just not sexy. I cannot remember a single episode of LA Law, Law and Order or Night Court in which the attorneys said “Boy, I spent all night working on the interrogatories in the OJ case and boy I am I tired but my answers were slipping and sliding.” It is just not the attractive practice of the law. In fact, on television, they do not practice law. They practice speechifiyin’. This is the art of making a speech in places in which speeches are not made. Of course on television, an entire case start to finish is wrapped up in 44 minutes so all there is time for is speeches.

The one exception to the “written discovery is not sexy rule is “Letters Rogatory”. This is sexy because most lawyers cannot remember it from first year civil procedure. It is a hardly used device and most attorneys would have trouble spelling it if they even remembered it. This is a procedure in which you can apply to a federal judge with written interrogatories for questions to be put to a witness in a foreign country. The questions are approved by the judge an d then they are sent to a judge in the foreign country who would then read them to the witness and transcribe the answers and then send them back home. I would assume the questions and answers are translated to avoid the answer to every question being “HUH?”

Oral discovery (I prefer the term verbal discovery since oral discovery sounds like the name of the first porn film Traci Lords starred in) is what you see on television. It is where, on television and in the movies, actors go for the Academy Awards or Emmys through speechifiyin’. But there is one important distinction. In real life, depositions are usually boring and last for days if not years. On television and in the movies, depositions last three and a half minutes and during 75% of that time the evil defense lawyer (I like to think of Jon Voight in the Rainmaker or James Mason in The Verdict) is objecting to the question and instructing the client not to answer the question, whereas in real-life the objection would take place for the record and the deponent (the guy answering the questions) would still have to answer. It is where the real action is.

Some typical questioning goes like this:

Q. During the autopsy, did you check his spleen?
A. No.
Q. Did you check
his liver?
A. No.
Q. Did you check his heart?
A. No
Q. Did you check
his blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. So he could have been alive, right?
A. No.
Q. Why is that?
A. Because his brain was sitting in a jar on the next table.
Q. Nevertheless, he could have still been alive?
A. Yes, without his brain he could still have been practicing law someplace, I guess.

Other examples of questioning:

Q. You have twin boys, Mrs. Peterson, correct?
A. Yes.
Q. What are their names?
A. Andrew and Peter.
Q. How old is Andrew?
A. Ten years old.
Q. And how old is Peter?

I would like to lie to you and tell you that nthese questions were made up so you can say “that guy, he really knows how to make us laugh to get the point across.” I’d like to tell you that but in good conscience I cannot. It is one of those maxims that while life imitates art, it does not do so with the law.

Most lawyers are not Atticus Finch or Daniel Caffee or even, dare I say, Perry Mason (although Perry deserves separate attention—not only did he get his client off the hook he got someone else to confess to the crime). They are not silver tongued orators who can with words move mountains. No, they are ordinary people who make mistake after mistake after mistake. Remember Johnny Cochran’s famous words “if the glove does not fit, you must acquit”? Well, Johnny was not that good. Johnny was lucky. One of the first things they teach you in law school is never ask a question to which you do not know the answer. Why? Because you do not get the answer you want. There is a similar rule with actions. Should the prosecution team have tried to use the glove before they let O.J. try it on. No, but they did.

Most lawyers who do that get fired.

Anyway, I digress. Depositions are the mainstay of civil litigation. Why? Because they take so long to complete and there are so many potential witnesses. And what does that mean—more billable time, that’s right class, you are catching on. In an auto case, it’s fairly easy so there are few problems. You have driver A, driver B, any passengers, and any witnesses. Sometimes, if the injuries are really bad, you will have some sort of medical testimony. You might also get the deposition of the husband or wife of the claimant is they have filed a claim for loss of consortium (also known as loss of services or loss of society and companionship). Since the cause of action ( a fancy phrase for claim) is really for lost sex opportunities, I prefer to refer to it as the loss of the right of private occupancy or interference with the easement for occasional access but, hey, let’s not get bogged down in legalese.

Some of these depositions can take a short time. Others can take a long time. But make no mistake about one thing. If you think you have listed everyone that could possibly tell what they know about the case, think again. Your lawyer will find at least six more people who can be deposed, each for two ten-hour days.

And the reason it takes so long to depose a witness (it takes even longer to depose the dictator of a third world country but no one opposes deposing a dictatorship) is because lawyers ask questions over and over again, leading to the creation of the phrase “objection. Asked and answered” followed with “you can answer” so why object in the first place—to preserve the record, dummy—haven’t you been paying attention? In a more complicated case, in a business dispute, let’s say, the situation multiplies many-fold. Besides the party witnesses, you have the lawyers, the accountant, the experts (and not just one expert, you have an accounting expert, a legal expert, a standard of care expert, a damages expert and so forth and so on) the plaintiff, the plaintiff’s son (Who has to testify how his 75 year old mother was defrauded in a financial deal so complicated he could not understand it with cue cards) and several others I can not think of but will come to me while I am doodling during a deposition. Let’s not forget all of the lawyers in a business dispute. Ten on each side, all billing a total effective rate of $4,263 per hour.

So you have finished everything that you need to try a case. You have all of your discovery out of the way, you have your theory of the case, you know exactly what questions to ask. You are going to trial, right?

Wrong.

Now it’s time to file another motion. This one is even fancier than the other one. This one is called a motion for summary judgment. This is the king of motions, the Wilt Chamberlain of motions (or the Michael Jordan of motions, depending on your age). This is the one that lawyers can only dream about. Why? Because it turns every case into a billable case. It sounds sexy to the uninitiated client, too. “Mr. Burns, I think that in order to knock the socks off of these guys we need to file a motion for summary judgment.” When the response is “Duh, huh?” the answer is “this motion will dispose of the entire case.” How can you not resist saying, “Duh, okay.”

According to the federal rules of civil procedure as well as the many state laws that authorize the filing of the motion, it should be granted by the judge when there is “no disputed issue of material fact.” So far so good. In an auto accident, if the defendant admits fault in his deposition, then the case would be ripe for a motion—although it would probably be settled when that happens—after the client got a severe drubbing from his lawyer. When both parties agree (rarely) or there is case law directly on point to support the position of one party over the other then the motion is perfect to make.

Our lawyer friends do not have the time or the luxury to look at cases so critically. Thousands of associates at any given large law firm in New York City are hunched over their desks (in offices shared with three others) pens ready in hand to start drafting the latest drivel that will pass for a motion. They will do this on every case. So that they can bill their time. Except for having to pay for the motion, it is quite amusing to watch a high powered law firm put together a three inch wide document costing $100,000 or more only to be defeated by some schlub plaintiff’s attorney in a polyester Sears suit who gets the motion defeated by dragging out one of his paid on-retainer experts and whose motion in opposition took him all of four hours to prepare. Of course you can take solace in hearing “damned judge wouldn’t know a precedent if it fell on him.”

Do not let your attorney tell you otherwise. Your chance of getting a motion for summary judgment granted are a lot more remote than you getting hit by lightning (especially if you stand on the roof of building during a lightning storm, as one young New Yorker did recently). Not much is needed to defeat a defense motion for summary judgment. If you are in Mississippi or Alabama the defense bar has even given up the filing of motions because all of the judges used to be plaintiff’s attorneys and are elected by their buddies so motions by the defense are never granted. The defense bar has taken this tremendous step despite the loss of revenue that motion practice allows; however, on a positive note, this shortfall has been made up by deposing more potential witnesses than in any other area in the country. Those that have not run wild in other areas in the process have gone back to work on their golf game which explains why these states have a large amount of low-handicapper lawyers.

One way your motion can be defeated is for the other side to provide an expert report that is diametrically opposed to what your expert report says. Bam!! There is a genuine issue of material fact. That’s it. It’s that simple, really. All they need to do is to point to some statement in the evidence shown up to that point in the case and if that fact proves up something different than what you are saying then your motion is denied. The situation is even more grim than that. There is what I like to refer to as the “two-inch” rule. If your lawyer files a motion more than two inches thick, in most cases the judge will not even read it. Haven’t you read the newspapers lately? Don’t you know that there is overcrowding in the courts, that judges can’t get to all of the cases they want to get to, that dockets are backing up worse than traffic on the Staten Island Expressway. Don’t you know this? What do the judges care about your attorney’s motion? Huh? If he or she is that good of a lawyer they can win the case at trial (which will only take one day to try, you’d better believe me, says the judge).

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the motion for summary judgment is granted. It is just limited to the situations in which the attorney for one of the parties is either a) a large contributor to the judge’s campaign or b) a college/ law school drinking buddy of the judge. Find out your attorney’s bona-fides first. If he fits into one of these categories, it is usually okay to file the motion. If not, forget about it.

Let us go for a hypothetical question, at this juncture. What happens if the motion for summary judgment is granted? Is the case over? What do you think?

Of course not.

Lawyers have built into the system a series of checks and balances to ensure that the case is not over until the last bit of life is wrung from it. This is why we have appeals. What is an appeal? It is a plea to the next highest court, called an appellate court (appeal. Appellate. Get it?) in which the losing party tells the court that the judge who decided the motion for summary judgment (or the motion to dismiss for that matter) is wrong, is a moron, should not be sitting on the bench (that’s where judges sit) and has otherwise damaged the reputation of the client by misapplying the law to the facts.

There are two different types of appellate courts on the state and federal level. There are the intermediate appellate courts usually referred to as the Court of Appeals in both the federal and state systems and the highest courts usually known as the Supreme Court—of the United States or of the particular state—the only exception to this is New York of course which has made the Supreme Court in New York the trial level court and the highest court is called the Court of Appeals; however, as we know the practice of law in the United States began in New York, so we are right and everyone else is wrong. At least, that is what we were taught at the Brooklyn Academy of Law—excuse me, I meant Brooklyn Law School.

To start things off, within a certain specified time frame, your attorney needs to file what is called a notice of appeal. This is not as grandiose as it seems on your bill. It is a one or two page document that is filed with the court and with the other party that says “that piece of shit decision was wrong and I am appealing the bastard” although not in such eloquent terms. Of course, this document that starts the appeals process cannot be filed until there is an order filed by the judge. A lot of judges who do not want to be reversed on appeal—because there are people who have nothing better to do than sit with a scorecard and track how judges are performing so that they can remove the judges from the bench and replace them with better judges who are in their pockets—will take a motion under advisement and not rule on it. That’s another reason not to waste your money on the MSJ—as we in the legal biz refer to it—but use the money more wisely, like taking the client to a World Series game in order to get more business from that client.

The notice of appeal is filed and then within a certain specified time usually thirty days the attorney for the appealing party (makes them seem nice doesn’t it) has to file the actual appellate brief. What is great about the appellate process is that without using the actual word you get to call the judge below a moron. All appeals derive from the fact that the judge below misapplied the law to your specific facts. If he is a judge and did this, he is a moron. But we cannot say this. We must say “the court below erred”. And the worst thing about the appeals process? You have to have a legal reason for the appeal. You cannot just say that the ruling went against your client so you are appealing. This does not work. No, you must point to some misapplication of the law as applied to the facts. This is a legal crapshoot. Obviously, you are looking at your case with reference to only your case. The judge may look at it that way as well; however, the judge may also look at it on the morning that his wife has told him that she wants a divorce because she knows all about his dalliances with his court stenographer and this clouds his judgment and he wants to take it out on someone and you are standing in front of him so you get both barrels of double-ought pellets in your heine.

The maxim is “bad cases make bad law”. It should also be included to say “bad judges make bad law.” For example, an insured under a policy of insurance settles a claim without the insurance company’s permission—not a good thing to do especially when the policy says that the insured cannot do this. Obviously, if an insurance company is going to pay money—and they do, despite what a lot of disgruntled people say—then they ought to have a say in the case, right. I mean, an insurance policy isn’t a flexible spending account, is it? Well, what happens when the judge has a bad day and rules against the insurance company? It proves up the maxim that “bad judges make bad law”. Well, this is a maxim that is shared by every person who has ever lost a decision on a motion. “That bastard knows nothing about the law. How the hell did he get elected to the bench?” This is the rally cry to the losing clients and is often replayed with great laughter by the attorney on the judge’s yacht the following weekend (for those people who do not live by water, the gusto would take place at the judge’s country club or barbeque pit or ranch or ski lodge or you name it).

Luckily, there are appeals courts and even I must admit that in most cases—notice I said most cases, not all cases, since lawyers are told not to talk in absolutes but rather they are taught to waffle—in most cases the judges on the appellate courts are much better than their trial level brethren. In many instances, the appellate court judges in states are appointed. In other states they are elected. In the great state o’ Alabama, even the judges of the Supreme Court of Alabama are elected. This may be outrageous you would say. How the hell could a judge in the highest court be elected. Shouldn‘t a judge in that position be appointed by the Governor of the state. Many years ago I would have agreed with you but imagine the hilarity that ensued when a few years ago the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Alabama lost the election and refused to vacate his office and a lawsuit had to be filed to get him out. All I could think of was a scene similar to Butch and Sundance holed up while the Bolivian army waited to take them to their inevitable doom.

Federal court judges by and large are the best. They go through the most rigorous screening process and are nominated for their positions and must be approved by the Senate. The great thing about being a federal judge is that you have lifetime tenure. No matter how much people do not like your decisions, you are golden. As long as you do not get into something that the New York Post would like to write about, you are okay.

Now that is a long roundabout way of getting into the appellate process. Once you file the notice of appeal, you have to file your brief. This tells you why the judge’s ruling on your motion below was incorrect. You generally have thirty days to file the brief. What makes this even more fun is that almost every sitting judge has their own rules as to how they like to see the format of the briefs. They must be double-spaced, on 8 ½ x 11 inch paper, they must be bound in just the right way, there must be X n umber of copies filed with the court, etc., etc., etc.

Before I forget, after you have filed your notice of appeal you are no longer a plaintiff or defendant. No, now you have been accorded the status of Appellant (notice the capital A). Your opponent is the very inferior sounding respondent (we will leave him with a small r) but remember one thing. That inferior sounding respondent WON the motion, so don ‘t get too cocky.

So once you, as the Appellant, have filed the brief the respondent (small r—unless you are the respondent then it is a capital R) must file a reply brief that basically says why the Appellant’s argument is crap. Depending on local court rules, once this brief is filed then the Appellant can file a sur-reply brief to say why the reply brief that said the appellant was full of shit is in reality full of shit itself. Hoo-rah.

Have I mentioned that the lawyer’s favorite Broadway show tune is “We’re In the Money.”

Lawyers are not paper alone, though. Keep that in mind. Lawyers must have the power of speech, else what fun would it be to see the TV lawyers on TV practicing law. Might be an interesting change of pace to watch Camryn Manhein typing a motion without saying a word—anything to get her to shut up. Please? No, in real life, lawyers cut not only with the written word but with the spoken word as well. Once your brief is done, you will set a date for a hearing on the appeal before the judge. This is the real practice of law because a lawyer cannot just blab on and on—because there are time limits. Ion an appellate hearing both sides are limited to about 15 minutes total time, usually because the appellate judges are older and in more need of sleep. Why I have even heard told that in the chambers of the Justices of the United States Supreme Court that they even have cots for the old geezers to sleep on midday so they do not fall asleep during hearings.

If you are an attorney you need to be fully versed in your case as well as being a good bullshitter. When in the course of human events, an appeals court judge does not like your argument he (usually she) will start asking questions that appear so far off the track that they seem to have no relevance but they do if one can see the slippery slope that they are trying to get you to (just as my wife does to me over the breakfast table on Saturday and Sunday mornings and every weeknight while I am trying to watch television, right guys?) If you do not have the gift then you might be tempted to tell these judges to drop dead, but that could hurt your client’s case. No, spend your 15 minutes in hell as politely as possible and then retire to the bar down the block for a nice stiff one.

Okay so you’ve lost your appeal, now what (actually, my wife has told me that I have lost my appeal after all these years but I think she means something entirely different—I will have to check)

If you will recall, the appeal we presented earlier was an appeal from a decision on a motion for summary judgment (say that phrase again and again and you will feel the power emanating from those words). If the case is sent back to “the court below” (great language, huh—the appeals courts often feel that they sit on the top of Mount Olympus and anything beneath them is well, uh, beneath them). Anyway, you are back in front of the plaintiff’s attorney’s golf buddy (I am of course referring to the judge) and you need to do whatever you can to avoid trial so you decide to go to mediation—a device that will be covered in a later chapter—which is more easily understood as a settlement conference. Usually, there is a retired judge involved who gets paid, of course, to listen to both sides of the dispute and try to b ring both parties together numerically. Sometimes that can happen, sometimes it cannot. These retired judges who all have silver hair and look like the typical television and movie grandfather start out nice and sweet but as the day draws on they become the embodiment of Lucifer, spewing language that would make all but my eighteen year old son blush (what can I say? Okay, my fourteen year old as well.) Mediation is one of those fun processes, like watching wheat grow. First, the sides become polarized because each side spews forth their particular version of the facts and the law and then the sides are separated never to be seen again so that the mediator becomes Henry Kissinger doing his little shuttle diplomacy back and forth.

These retired judges get paid a flat fee usually for the day or the half day so it is in their best interests to get the case settled as quickly as possible so they can go play golf (in fact, I think that out on the links by noon is a measuring stick of success for these mediators). In fact the more successful mediation services is called JAMS (judicial arbitration & mediation services) but I think they got their name because they are successful in jamming settlements down the throats of parties. Of course, if a retired judge has a mistress on the side, usually he will book a mediation at a half day and then charge $300 per hour for the overage and drag the proceedings out as long as possible. Hey, it’s America. You would do the same, given half a chance.

Your case does not settle. You are going to trial. If you are a defense attorney, this is another opportunity to bill the shit out of the file (plaintiff’s attorneys—usually on a contingency fee (see chapter on rape and pillage) have to win at least). The defense attorney’s job is to drag the proceedings out as long as possible and to have as many other attorneys at the table with him to assist ion handing him papers. Something to point out at this juncture. When you see a defense table with several lawyers on it, usually the two or three closest to the center aisle are the ones doing the work. The other ones are there to learn on your dime so that they can soon grow up and bill the shit out of files. You will generally not know who these pretty people are and they will never talk to you until they are introduced and only then will say nothing until directly addressed but you can talk to them and ask them questions like “I should have filed for financial aid if I was going to pay for your education, shouldn’t I?” They will have no answer to this. Rest assured, though, that after eight hours in trial doodling I mean learning they will go back the office to fully research everything that the trial attorney will need to know, such as the address for that cute blonde on the jury.

We will go through trials and trial tactics in greater detail in the chapter entitled “Attila The Hun had the Right idea” but in terms of basic premise, most movies and TV shows have the procedure down right. Ok, you cannot wear a leather jacket like Cher did in Suspect but why be like Cher at all. In addition, unlike Kevin Costner in JFK or Denzel Washington in Ricochet an attorney cannot speechify during questioning. I will not even address the movie “Legally Blonde” which, although funny, shows no representation to real life.

There is two of everything in a trial with the exception of one thing: a winner. There can only be one winner. But that, too, has its exceptions. In terms of procedure, there is an opening statement by both sides. Then the plaintiff—or the prosecution in a criminal case—gets to put on its proof or evidence to you laymen. This is done by the use of witnesses. Witnesses come in two sizes—fact witnesses and expert witnesses. Fact witnesses are supposed to testify to the truth of what they perceived or were involved with that were core to the dispute ion the case at bar (more legal jargon). Expert witnesses testify as to whatever you want them to say since this is another hidden fee in the lawyer’s toolbox. As you can probably tell, I think lawyers are pretty low on the food chain. Experts are even lower. Lawyers will at least try to give you an opinion on the merits of your case—even if it is after they have spent a gajillion dollars in fees—but they will give you an opinion. Experts in the legal business are only on this earth for one purpose. To Get Paid. There are even some lawyers who still believe the law is a noble purpose and they take cases for free or they are salaried employees of the, let’s say for example, ACLU or Legal Aid Society. At least those people have the betterment of society in mind. Experts only want to get paid for their opinions. Why? Because they all seem to have at least 18 degrees an d certifications far beyond that of their undergraduate degree in physical education. There are all types of experts. I could not even begin to list the experts that are involved in the legal business. From engineers to doctors (another sub-species of life, but that is a different book)) to investigators to other lawyers—yes, even lawyers can be experts. Some of the best richest lawyers I have met have never stepped foot in a courtroom. How the hell do they do it? Connections. Lawyers play golf. The better thew lawyer’s golf game is, the worse they are at real world law. That’s why all of the top partners at white shoe firms in the heart of New York City are great golfers. They handle these complicated securities cases, right? They go into court to argue motions that their esteemed associates draft and that is the extent of their true practice of law. When these same guys have to go into court to represent someone on a fender bender case they have no idea what section 388 of the VAT law means (vineyards and t____? Pray tell, Muffy dear)the

Okay. My medicine is working again. Whew. That was close. Now after the plaintiff questions their witnesses then the defense gets a chance to question the witnesses to bring out inconsistencies. This is known as cross-examination, something that has happened to us all. Whether we are in a court of law testifying under an oath to god that we will be stricken down like dirty dogs if we ever tell a lie (that is the actual oath you take in Fiji) or we are ten years old and have told a lie to our mothers and they start dissecting it bit by bit or we are forty something years old, came home a bit too late, a bit schnockered and heaven forbid with some lipstick on the face and then we told a lie to our wife and they start dissecting it bit by bit, whether it has been any of these situations we have been cross-examined. (my wife was always the best at this. Sorry, mom.)

Cross examination will be dealt with in more detail in the chapter called “Mom never prepared me for this type of questioning” but I would like to put it in perspective now. Cross examination is THE reason that people give up their souls to become lawyers. N o one ver says “Well, I really enjoyed drafting those corporate merger documents.” No, anyone who wants to be a lawyer wants to be one because they have seen some actor in some movie tear someone in that same movie, sitting down in a witness chair, to shreds. Do not believe anyone when they say they became a lawyer to help people. BULLSHIT> No one becomes a lawyer to help people. It is too damn expensive. Even the Brooklyn Academy College of Law costs a humongous chunk of change and they don’t even have a good name. No. everyone who wants to be a lawyer dreams of the opportunity to verbally rip someone a new bodily orifice. Unfortunately, only five percent of the lawyers in this country are truly qualified to go at cross-examination effectively and with gusto. The other 95 percent of the lawyers have cross examinations that go like this:

Q. Were you wearing your glasses at the time
A. No.
Q. Ah ha (finger pointing, either to the sky or at the witness—usually at the sky in a eureka, I found it pose) And how come you weren’t wearing your glasses?
A. I don’t wear glasses.

This is called asking a question that you do not know the answer to. This is one of the first things that they teach a law student and you would be surprised how many lawyers do not take it to heart. If this happens at trial, you might as well fold up your tent and go home if you are the plaintiff or open your wallet if you are the defendant. If you are a criminal defendant and the death penalty awaits you, Oops.

You might ask “how the hell am I supposed to know the answer to a question that I haven't even asked?”
You need to investigate the answers first. Hire an investigator to find out if Mr. Jones, supra, wore glasses. Not that everything is this easy to find out but the more effective scenario would be:

Q. Mr. Smith, did you give Ms. Smith notice of her deficiencies
A. Yes.
Q. Where
A. In her performance appraisal.
Q. Ah ha (finger pointing, either to the sky or at the witness—usually at the sky in a eureka, I found it pose while simultaneously whipping out a document) I show you this exhibit marked plaintiff’s exhibit number 7,843. Do you see page four where it says Ms. Smith is a top notch employee?
A. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Which gives you the opportunity to end the cross-examination with “were you lying then or are you lying now?”

Something sarcastic like this will give rise to an objection. My favorite objection has been “it’s extremely damaging to my case” but you can only use that one in the movies. What’s great about objections is that the judge gets to motion the two lawyers up to the bench and they have what is n =known as a sidebar. I do not have to give a definition of sidebar since most people tuned into the sidebar follies, excuse me, I meant the O.J. trial in which Lance Ito would call up Johnny Cochran and Marcia Clark and say “where are we having for lunch today”.

Objections are used not only to keep evidence out but to break up the rhythm. If a witness testifies that they say John Doe shoot Jane Doe and this testimony gets excluded by what lay people call a technicality—which is a nice way of saying fucking legal bullshit—do you think anyone is going to forget what was said? Of course not. But if you object after every question you cc san break up someone’s train of thought. Unless you are like me when my wife comes into the room during must-see TV and starts asking me questions and the uh-huhs go flying quicker than the question. By way of example, remember the movie The Verdict. In that movie, a witness blows the entire defense case apart with a secreted copy of a document. She screams, she yells, she wanted to be a nurse and because of these bad men she could not be a nurse. The prince of darkness James Mason says how can she prove that the doctors are lying and she whips out the original showing that the patient ate only on e hour before administration of anesthesia instead of the nine hours that the doctors claimed. (Notice that James Mason’s face suitably falls because he, what class? That’s right—he asked a question that he did not know the answer to. The point of this whole dissertation is that even when the Judge, on the defense motion, throws out the entire testimony of the witness you know that thy jury is not going to do so. So be careful out there.

After all the evidence gets put on both parties get to put on a closing statement. This is where the television and movie actors have a leg up on their real life counterparts. In fiction the closing statements last no longer than five minutes. In real life (because lawyers are paid by the hour) the closing statements go on for hours, sometimes days. These lawyers go ahead and recite every bit of evidence that you have already heard, putting their own particular spin on it (I have referred to Mr. Cochran’s closing argument in the OJ case earlier) If you are a juror on a criminal case, expect to hear from the defense the argument that the prosecution has not met its burden of proving its case beyond a reasonable doubt. That is the standard in criminal cases. I sort of figure that the guy, if it has gotten all the way to trial, must be guilty of something so I’d vote to convict (that should keep me out of jury duty forever. On the civil side, I can say no plaintiff’s verdicts for me—my premiums are too high)

In a civil case, the standard is much less. Since we are dealing with dollars, we need not be so concerned about trampling on the rights of defendants—a regular downtrodden lot. That’s why OJ (I know I keep referring to it but they didn’t call it the Trial Of The Century for nothing) could walk on the criminal charges and get whacked for $33,000,000 on the civil case for the same acts.

copyright 2008, Michael Fried

Rest In peace Van Johnson

2008-08-12T20:50:00.002-04:00

Actually it should read Rest In Peace George Furth.

But I'll always remember this character's line in Blazing Saddles "Howard Johnson is Right. We'll ask the Governor for a new sheriff."

And Howard Johnson saying "Thank You Van."

Well, in addition to being the unlucky Mr. Woodcock in "Butch cassidy and The Sundance Kid" and one of the guests at Luna's party in "Sleeper" he was evidently wrote the book for the Broadway musical "Comapny".

Who knew.

Well, Rest In Peace George.

The Latest Professor Philo B. Veritas Post

2008-08-11T20:33:00.002-04:00

This is from a forum entitled Is Mud-Slinging the Only Way for McCain to Win?

Mud- Slinging.

Remember that?

This chucklehead writes:

Try looking at McCain's VOTING RECORD, you stupid twat!

All you do is blather and babble from McCain's campaign website and pull an
endless string of anti-Obama/anti-Democrat/anti- Liberal rhetorical bullshit,
lies, distortions, omissions and political urban legends out of your ass, day in
and day out, which must scrape the hell out of your head as you pull them
out.

You're worse than a typical dittohead or Hannitite because you literally
make shit up as you go along and demand that the world accept it as fact --
REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY TIMES YOU'RE PROVEN WRONG.

The world would have been a better place if your father had pulled out.

Gotta love this guy.

From Shaft to Chef

2008-08-11T20:06:00.002-04:00

Rest in Peace, Isaac Hayes.

You will be missed.

With Friends Like These????

2008-08-11T19:53:00.003-04:00

"All of these articles about his boyhood in Indonesia and his life in
Hawaii are geared towards showing his background is diverse, multicultural and
putting that in a new light. Save it for 2050," Mark Penn, then Clinton's chief
strategist, wrote in a March 2007 memo, according to an article to be published
in the September edition of The Atlantic magazine.

"It also exposes a very strong weakness for him -- his roots to basic
American values and culture are at best limited. I cannot imagine America
electing a president during a time of war who is not at his center fundamentally
American in his thinking and in his values," Penn wrote, according to the
article by Joshua Green.

These are the words from a memo authored by Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist until April 2008 according to an article on CNN that werites about an article that is due to be published on Tuesday in The Atlantic Magazine.

Now, it is not so much Penn writing what he is writing. Politics is a disgusting business and only the lowest of the low go into it.

No, what is most disturbing about it is the fact that Hillary Clinton could not determine whether or not to use this. Shouldn't a "No" have come to mind immediately??

Of course, this is the same woman who once said of Mahatma Gandhi:

"He ran a gas station down in St. Louis."

'nuff said.

Don't Despair - You Can Find Jesus Anywhere if You Look Hard Enough

2008-08-09T10:37:00.002-04:00

Bernie Mac 1957-2008 Rest In Peace

2008-08-09T10:16:00.003-04:00

The word just came in over the wires that Bernie Mac the great everyman comedian has died at the not quite ripe age of 50.

I remember the first time I took notice of him in The Eddie Murphy - Martin Lawrence movie "Life" playing "Jangle leg", the cook.

Man, was he funny.

Too upset to write now, except to say Rest in peace, you will be missed.

Weekly Brief Movie and DVD Reviews

2008-08-09T01:40:00.006-04:00

1. Death At A Funeral - a droll but funny British film helmed by American Director Frank Oz. Many of the cast were unknown to me so their performances were fresh and invigorating. Chaos ensues when a man tries to expose a dark secret regarding a recently deceased patriarch of a dysfunctional British family. Very witty, Wilde. 3/5

2. The Wolf Man and Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man - To me, The Wolf Man has always been THE monster movie. Frankenstein was a mindless monster and Dracula was an evil prick vampire descended from Vlad the Impaler but The Wolf Man was, and always will be, the tortured soul Larry Talbot who knew what was happening to him and hated it. A truly literate script, beautiful cinematography and a chilling score (used over and over in future Universal B movies) tautly complement Lon Chaney's bravura performance. The sequel is pale by comparison but who can pass up the opportunity to see Bela Lugosi in his only role as The Monster. Wolf man 5/5 Frank meets Wolf 3/5

3. The Counterfeiters (Die Falscher) - a truly extraordinary movie based on a true story. As world war 2 breaks out a small time Jewish crime lord and counterfeiter, Salomon 'Sally' Sorowitsch, is arrested and sent to a concentration camp where he is recruited to lead a team of Jewish prisoners in counterfeiting for the Nazis who wish to invade Britain and America with fake currency in order to upset their economies. There is a reason this movie won Best Foreign language Film at the 2008 Academy Awards. Watch it. 5/5

4. Duck Soup - What can I say. One of the greatest movies ever made. If you haven't seen it, you're life is a sorry excuse.

Justice You Can Sink Your Teeth In To!!!!

2008-08-07T20:07:00.004-04:00

I'm sure Bill O'Reilly will have a rpoblem with this but it was a simple solution that saved taxpayers tons of money. A little more of this common sense would be appreciated.

A New York man was going to be tried for murder in Oregon. The defendant agreed to plead guilty to murder if he could get "a feast of KFC chicken, Popeye's chicken, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, carrot cake and ice cream."

After he is sentenced he gets the rest of the plea bargain: "calzones, lasagna, pizza" and more ice cream.

Everyone has room for more ice cream.

If I met Multnomah County Judge Eric Bergstrom I'd shake his hand.

Read about it here.

I hope the Judge was a Playdrome customer so he could get his 10% discount.

“We are considering all options” Robert Willumstad

2008-08-07T19:59:00.003-04:00

THE NUMBERS SAY IT ALL!!!!!

Close: 23.84
Down: -5.25
% Down: -18.05%

but my favorite number is:

Volume: 152,464,962

Hee hee!

$5.36 BILLION LOSS!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-07T06:24:00.002-04:00

Why is this guy not smiling?

AIG REPORTS SECOND QUARTER 2008 RESULTS
NEW YORK, NY, August 6, 2008 – American International Group, Inc. (AIG)
today reported a net loss for the second quarter of 2008 of $5.36 billion or $2.06 per diluted
share compared to 2007 second quarter net income of $4.28 billion or $1.64 per diluted
share. Second quarter 2008 adjusted net loss, as defined below, was $1.32 billion or $0.51
per diluted share, compared to adjusted net income of $4.63 billion or $1.77 per diluted
share for the second quarter of 2007. The continuation of the weak U.S. housing market and
disruption in the credit markets, as well as global equity market volatility, had a substantial
adverse effect on AIG’s results in the second quarter.

Net loss for the first six months of 2008 was $13.16 billion or $5.11 per diluted
share, compared to net income of $8.41 billion or $3.21 per diluted share in the first six
months of 2007. Adjusted net loss for the first six months of 2008 was $4.88 billion or
$1.90 per diluted share, compared to adjusted net income of $9.02 billion or $3.44 per
diluted share in the first six months of 2007.

Another Professor Philo B. Veritas Post

2008-08-07T06:21:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorites:

You're the reason why women wipe from front to back.

followed up by:

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the "good-as-nu" condom
factory.

The guy is on a roll

Texas executes Mexican man despite objections

2008-08-06T06:53:00.003-04:00

What gets me most about the fact that Texas executed Jose Medellin is not the issue of whether the state should have executed him or he should have gotten life without parole or whether the Supreme Court's recent ruling was wrong or not.

That's not the issue.

In the recent msnbc.com article from a feed from the Associated Press a relative of Medellin condemned the execution, as is her right. This relative said:

“Only God has the right to take a life”

My question is: Did Reyna Armendariz, the cousin, ever say this to her now-executed cousin??

I mean he bragged to friends about the rapes and murders and never denied doing it. His entire Supreme Court claim was that he was not allowed to contact the Mexican Consulate.

I wish people would think before they spouted stupidity.

(note to readers: anything that you think may be stupid that I write, I have thought about before I have written - So There!!!!)

Paris Hilton's Hot New Video

2008-08-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26044888/

Why Must Congress Be Duplicitous?????

2008-08-05T20:26:00.004-04:00

As was reported today on CNETnews.com:

The whopping housing bill that President Bush signed
into law last week does far more than merely address the nation's real estate
woes. Some sections have raised serious privacy concerns.

Tucked in near the end of the Housing and
Economic Recovery Act is a requirement that banks and online payment
networks annually collect and report to the IRS electronic payments made to
online merchants. It takes effect in 2011, and will affect what information
companies like PayPal collect from their sellers and could raise privacy and
auditing complications.

The housing bill also finalized the SAFE Mortgage Licensing Act. As
CNET News.com previously reported, the provision creates a national
fingerprint registry of "loan originators"--essentially anyone involved in
the mortgage industry. While intended to curb predatory lending, the measure has
come under fire for being potentially ineffective and unnecessarily invasive.

Why can't a Housing Bill be just a housing bill.

This is the same type of nonsense that gives rise to Pork Barrel Projects that ALL members of Congress love and why a child care bill includes a road project or a bridge to nowhere.

Damned Congress!!!

Yet Another Philo B. Veritas Post

2008-08-05T20:07:00.002-04:00

Our favorite Topix Poster replied twice to a poster, once as Philo Beddo and the other time as Professor Veritas one post right after another. Coincidence? I think not.

As Philo Beddo:

Wow ... you really *ARE* pathetic.Aside from your usual incoherence and
ignorance, that one didn't even make sense.Must be difficult for you, trying to
keep track of which screen you're using to post under your different screen
names.But, then again, PlaySkool toys are difficult for you.

And then as Professor Veritas:

And, once again, you f*cked up and responded to a post aimed at one of your
other altar-imbeciles.ricky responds to a post directed at the dungeon
master.Just admit it, numbnuts. You're posting under at least three names and
you're too stupid to keep track of which screen name you're using from one
insipid, pathetic attempt at witticism from another.

And he claims the other guy is posting under multiple names.

What a Card!!!!!!

"The Only Ones Who Need Immunity Are The Guilty" - Dostoevsky

2008-08-05T06:58:00.002-04:00

Yep. Dostoevsky had it right.

And it applies to Mary-Kate Olson.

Heath Ledger died (we've covered this topic before) and if Mary-Kate did nothing wrong why not talk.

Instead her lawyer says:

"Regarding the government's investigation, at Ms. Olsen's request, we have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger's death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed," Miller said in a statement.

She was in California at the time. Did she kill him? I am going to say NO.

I don't think she supplied him with the drugs since it appears to have been drugs taken in contra-indication to each other.

I don't know why she is clamming up, but she is hiding something.

Let's hope the government issues a subpoena for her to testify before an inquest or grand jury.

I was joking - Dostoevsky did not say the quote above.

But the old Roman Maxim applies:

Let Justice Be Done Though the heavens fall

Yes, Virginia, There ARE Stupid Parents Out There.

2008-08-05T06:15:00.003-04:00

Accused 'underwear researcher' faces 19 indictments

What are these people thinking? Yes the long arm of the law reached out and grabbed this sick fuck but what happened to parental control???

The parents of 11 minors allowed a total stranger be alone with their minor children.

In this day and age.

How come the parents haven't been indicted for stupidity bordering on criminal negligence?

I am a big fan of government laissez-faire when it comes to families but, Jeez Louise, these parents are poster children for government intervention in every aspect of our private lives.

Thanks, morons.

Get Well Morgan Freeman

2008-08-04T21:07:00.002-04:00

Academy Award winning actor Morgan Freeman was seriously injured in a car accident near his home in Northern Mississippi.

We wish him a speedy and full recovery.

We only have one question to ask of this multi-millionaire who made $5,000,000 eleven years ago and has made god knows how much since then:

Why are you driving a 1997 Nissan Maxima.

Another Professor Philo B. Veritas Post

2008-08-04T20:54:00.002-04:00

One of my favorites. Really sums up the essence of the man.

Can you actually *feel* the thousands of people wishing for you to wake up
tomorrow riddled with terminal cancer, you ignorant imbecile?

Read it here

It's Pazzo, Baby. Pazzo!!!!

2008-08-04T20:08:00.004-04:00

Silvio Berlusconi is losing his mind.

There is a great painting called "Time Uncovering Truth" by Tiepolo that adorns the wall in the room and is present for Berlusconi's press conferences.

So far so good?.

Well, as with most things Italian, there is a nipple showing.

Why not? The Italians are great lovers. They love nipples.

If you look closely you can see it. Evidently, on the wall behind him the picture looms much larger and the nipple was available to see on television.

SO THEY PAINTED OVER IT!

From MSNBC.com:

Vittorio Sgarbi, an art critic and once a culture undersecretary in a previous Berlusconi government, called the move "crazy." "What should be done with all the statues of women at dozens of Italian museums, where breasts can be admired that would even leave Pamela Anderson breathless?" Sgarbi told Corriere.

and crazy is Pazzo in my book!!!!!

New Feature: For Your Amusement: The Best of Professor Philo B. Veritas

2008-08-04T06:18:00.004-04:00

If any of you have ever posted on Topix you know that there are those who post anonymously and use that anonymity not to spread ideas but to spread vitriol and bile. One of my favorites is a guy named Professor Veritas who IN MY OPINION morphed into a guy called Philo Beddo. When Professor Veritas demanded that I die from Cancer, I knew that I was witnessing the start of something good. And then in the beginning of 2008 The Professor disappeared and Philo arrived and they posted from the same place in Arizona but they were different people. Right!. IN MY OPINION, the guy is nothing but a liar. I mean what are the chances that two guys posting from the same place have both authored articles against John McCain for an Arizona Newspaper. Only Philo forgot that and also claimed he was a cable lineman.

We are going to give a little history lesson here. Not every day but often enough to keep it fresh.

For perspective, It all started in October 2007 with these posts.

First Professor Veritas wrote:

"Yeah, you just keep on pretending that "Rick" and "Kill Terrorist" aren't the
same pig-ignorant, dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers, racist, bigoted, barely literate,
in-denial, boneheaded, stupid, pathetic, dumb-ass redneck posting under
different names so he can pretend to have someone who's as retarded as he is
supporting him.Funny how "both" of you keep responding to posts directed at the
other.You're almost half as smart as a kitchen sponge, and nearly twice as able
to learn."

and then after creating the profile on October 2, 2007, one of the first posts of the good professor as Philo Beddo was:

"It's obvious it's the same idiot posting under both names."

But he didn't stop: he also wrote as Philo B:

"The Professor's right. You're a total moron."

Doesn't this mean he is talking to himself. You can check it out here for yourself

New Feature: Weekly Brief Movie and DVD Reviews

2008-08-03T12:02:00.004-04:00

1. Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay - This long overdue sequel to Harold & Kumar Go To The White Castle doesn't have the overall sustained sense of genius as the first one but there are so many flashes of brilliance that it will never stop keeping you entertained. Be sure to see the resolution for Rob Corrdry's character and, believe it or not, an extraordinarily humane portrayal of President George W. Bush. (4/5)

2. The Band's Visit - A small Egyptian band is looking to play at the opening of an Arab center in Israel and gets lost. This is their story and it plays on how they interact with the small group of Israelis they meet when a kind restaurant owner puts them up for the night. It is a slow moving yet thoroughly enjoyable movie. I heartily recommend it. (4/5)

3. Shine A Light - The Stones. Scorsese. What can you say? If you like them and you like concert films, you'll like this movie. Two big downsides: Hillary Clinton is in the film (even briefly) and Marty, if you are going to feature yourself prominently in the movie: TRIM YOUR EYEBROWS. (3/5)

4. The Eye (2008) - Ay Ay Ay Ay Ay - this movie is a weak remake of the exhilarating 2002 Chinese film, Gin Gwai. Watch the original. (2/5)

God Bless Charles Durning.

2008-08-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

Charles Durning next to James Cagney.

It's gonna be a sad day when this guy dies

And Just When You Heap Praise on Congress they fuck ya!!!!

2008-08-03T02:39:00.003-04:00

Country is going to shit. What's the Congress to do?

Take vacation of course!!!!!!!

Just remember - you and I do not count to these folks in DC.

Get rid of the lot of them.

Who do you think will be paying for the gas for the Members of Congress as they tool around their home districts in August.

Me. And You.

Could Congress Finally be Doing Something Right?

2008-07-31T20:51:00.004-04:00

CNETnews.com is reporting that the House Transportation Committee has moved to permanently ban in-flight cell phone usage on airplanes (of course where else would in flight cell phone usage take place but on cell phones??!!!!!?).

From Oregon Democratic Representative Peter DeFazio's website press release:

"With airline customer satisfaction at an all time low, this is not the time to consider making airplane travel even more torturous. Polls show the public overwhelmingly doesn’t want to be subjected to people talking on their cell phones on increasingly over-packed airplanes," DeFazio said. "However, with Internet access just around the corner on U.S. flights, it won’t be long before the ban on voice communications on in-flight planes is lifted. The HANG UP Act, would ensure that financially strapped airlines don’t drive us towards this noisome disruption in search of further revenue."

I ride the Long island rail Road on a daily basis and on that public transportation where there ARE means to avoid jerkoffs even if it means you move and the jerkoffs stay. On an airplane? Today? They are cattle-cars and the last thing I need is to listen to some jerkoff on a phone. I have no problem with other modes of communication and DeFazio wisely addresses the issue:

The legislation only prohibits voice communications in-flight but passengers
would still be able to access the Internet, e-mail and send text messages as
these technologies become available on airplanes.

The only problem I have with this well-intentioned piece of legislation is the name.

The Hang Up Act??? The Halting Airplane Noise to Give Us Peace Act????

Wow. What a mouthful.

Monica Lewinsky never had such a mouthful!

Anyway - Congrats to Congress for getting something right!!!!!!!!!

Another Science Post - What's Going on Here????

2008-07-31T20:14:00.003-04:00

Here is a headline from MSNBC.com:

Exercise in a pill? Drugs show promise in mice

Is it just me or does anyone remember the late 50s and early 60s where experimentation on animals went horribly awry creating monsters that attacked large metropoli??????

I specifically remember hoards of gigantic killer ants attacking Los Angeles. The army only mobilized after a little girl walked out of the Mojave Desert and said "Them".

What about nuclear energy? Does anybody remember the radiation causing hoards of gigantic thunder lizards (some of whom had the power to expel bad breath and throw army tanks around as if they were toys!) running around cities especially in Japan!!!!!!

Now, Mice.

Exercise Mice specifically. These are cute little things. And I know the research is for good purposes but you do know that it is going to go awry.

These exercise mice will grow uncontrollably and will have pecs and deltoids and will kick the living shit out of every person that ever went after one of their descendants with a broom.

And what of the cats? Sure, there is a cat overpopulation and some countries eat, I mean drown, the excess kitties. But to go down having your head bitten off by a giant muscled exercise mouse is no way to go.

And of course the Army will fare no better. They never do. I'm sure the little Army tanks will slide on the giant exercise mouse droppings.

Will Science never learn?

Holy Smokes!!!!!!

Geeks In Space - A Science Post for Gumby

2008-07-30T06:09:00.004-04:00

Space - the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the
starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Thanks to Gene Roddenberry these are words known to billions of people and most especially to the geeks of the world. Don't get me wrong - I love the original Star Trek series but I like to think that i am not geeky enough to refer to it as TOS (for "The Original Series").

Well who does refer to it as TOS? The Paramount marketing department and Geeks - many of whom are Gamers (Science proves there is a high correlation between the state of geekdom and the state of gamedom).

But at least the Gamers will realize their Final Fantasy (not bad, huh? huh?).

"Lord British" the nickname Geeks have given to video game designer Richard Garriott, has decided to launch "Operation Immortality".

He's going to take the DNA of any player of his game "Tabula Rasa" into space when he goes to the International Space Station aboard a Russian Soyuz rocket.

His website, Operation Immortality, is not launched yet but has the phrase "Leave Your Mark. Save Humanity". The site apparently launches today.

But let's think a few steps ahead.

What happens if some malevolent space being ( let's say Ricardo Montalban as Khan) gets all of the DNA, extracts it and synthesizes it into one unstoppable monster.

What would it look like?

Scientists have come up with an artist's conception. You can access it here. But I warn you. it is not pretty.

Lord British ought to think twice.

Gotta Love Those Germans

2008-07-29T06:45:00.002-04:00

This Just In:

There was a Wild Party in Berlin.

The neighbors called the Police.

The police responded.

The Guests thought that the police were male strippers.

Only in Germany.

"When your IQ rises to 28, sell.”

2008-07-29T06:14:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to give a shout out to one of the funniest comedians ever. Today is the birthday of professor Irwin Corey, the lovalble shleppy looking comic who came out on stage in a tattered tuxedo and gave new meaning to the term "stream of consciousness".

Corey is 94 today and was born in 1914.

I'll make a hash out of anything Corey did so the best thing to do is for me to link you to his website and specifically to his audio and video clips.

Happy Birthday Professor for all the fun you've given.

The Real Reason

2008-07-28T09:42:00.004-04:00

"Qantas"

Ahhh, the name always brings back memories of "Rain Man" and while it is true that the airline has never had fatalities on any of its jet aircraft, they came close the other day.

On July 25, 2008, Qantas Flight 30, a Boeing 747-438 on the leg from Hong Kong to Melbourne, suffered an explosive decompression as a result of in-flight structural damage. The aircraft, at cruising altitude, made an emergency descent and landed uneventfully in Manila. No one was injured. The Australian Transport Safety Bureau referred to the occurrence as a "Serious Incident", while the National Transportation Safety Board (an American agency, as the aircraft is of American manufacture) initially called it an accident. Scotland Yard dismissed the possibility of a bomb exploding, although the possibility of an exploding oxygen supply tank is being investigated. read about it here.

Pay attention to the photo.

Now we know why they are focusing on the oxygen tank.

To hide the real reason:

THERE WAS A MAN ON THE WING!!!!!!!

Giving the phrase "being up for the game" a whole new meaning.

2008-07-28T09:37:00.001-04:00

A 73 year old Japanese man, bored after being retired, has become one of Japan's hottest new porn stars.

No word on whether Viagra is being used but a distribution deal has been achieved to allow release of some of his films on DVD.

First Pearl Harbor, then the transistor radio. Now this.

And he's one goofy looking bastard, too.

Been There Done That

2008-07-28T09:33:00.003-04:00

So what's the big deal???

A Wisconsin man was arrested for shooting his lawn mower went it wouldn't start. Why is that such a big deal? I mean, unless you have a lawn mower with an electric plug they all don't start up at some time or another and deserve to be shot.

And this was Wisconsin. That's a big gun state. I heard that's how they get the holes in the swiss cheese.

Maybe they arrested the guy because he looked like the unabomber. Read about it here

Retraction of Retraction

2008-07-27T02:26:00.003-04:00

Piece of Shit Mets

Retraction

2008-07-26T12:37:00.002-04:00

I know I said the Mets were fucking pieces of shit.

Now that they are in first place by 2 games, i retract that statement.

I reserve the right, however, to re-apply it at a later date.

This is the Guy that Ought to Win MLB Player of the Month

2008-07-24T20:09:00.001-04:00

There Is A Lot Going On In The World

2008-07-23T06:13:00.005-04:00

There is a presidential campaign going on.

There is global warming.

Obama is in Iraq.

McCain is possibly naming his Veep this week.

Angelina Jolie left the hospital with her twins, Rhubarb and Myopia or whatever their fucking names are.

Warren jeffs was charged with sexual abuse.

Jeffrey Lyons and ben Mankiewicz are replacing Ebert and Roeper (not quite the same ring to it, huh?)

The Beijing (I prefer to say Peking since you don't order beijing duck at a restaurant) Olympics are soon going to be underway with protests along the way and the Dalai lama trying to lead the opening ceremonies with a "Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga".

and all I have to say is.....

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT NEW YORK METS.

In Happier Times

2008-07-22T20:11:00.002-04:00

Why are these folks smiling?

Well, it was before she got fired when details of her personal life became fodder for the tabloid columns. This included her scuffle with police in New York City.

It turns out today that he was arrested for alleged unauthorized access to her email revealing alleged details that were allegedly leaked to the gossip columnists.

America. What a country.

News On The March

2008-07-22T06:16:00.004-04:00

Three News Stories Worthy Of Our Attention

1. CNN reports that the NYTimes has refused to print the John McCain essay on Iraq, despite having printed Senator Obama's views.

Now we all know that the Times is a liberal dishrag that wasn't even Fit to Carry my Dog's Shit(get it???) but now they have proven it. Don't get me wrong. I am not a huge McCain fan but equal time has some merit. Not this nonsense like "we don't like what you've written but if you write what we want you to write, we will print it." Fer crying out loud - the man is a Presidential candidate. Isn't it newsworthy to see exactly what he submits instead of some massaged bullshit that fits the Times' agenda. Back to my dog - I wouldn't use the Times to pick up my dog's crap because it would most assuredly fall apart like the far left's viewpoints when subjected to closer examination. Click here for story.

2. Court Tosses 'Wardrobe Malfunction' Fine

It's nice to know that Janet Jackson's tittie ain't worth as much as everyone thought it did. A court in Philadelphia threw out the fine for the exposed tittie during the 2004 Super Bowl. The pro-Bush FCC might have overstepped it's grounds according to the court - not a surprise in these times when the government wants to regulate everything. The court found that the FCC fine for the "broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse of a bare female breast" deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining broadcast indecency only when it was extremely "pervasive." click here for story

Besides, the one who should have been fined was Janet Jackson - it wasn't a particularly nice tittie and it had that stupid little tittie ring on it.

3. On a personal Note: Roger Ebert gives "thumbs-down" to Disney.

Ebert, one of the finest movie critics ever, decided to chuck his show one day after Richard Roeper stated that he was leaving the show in August. Ebert, classy as ever, stated that Disney/ABC wanted to take the show "in a new direction", a path that Ebert would not elaborate on but would also not go down. Maybe this new path would have guaranteed good reviews for all Disney movies. click here for the story.

Ebert is taking this great stand, despite being sidelined with health issues over the past couple of years. He retains the trademark to the "thumbs up, thumbs down" motif that he and Gene (we miss you muchly) Siskel innovated.

Yet it seems that he gave quite a different un-trademarked finger to Disney/ABC.

I'm Drawing a Blank

2008-07-21T20:21:00.005-04:00

I have no idea what to write.

I have been sitting here for quite some time having taken the time off from posting over the weekend.

My brain was lazy this weekend so I don't know what to write. I can't write as well as my friend Gumby who has had two excellent posts recently on the (faked) moon landing and a service that will bless your resume or photograph (really!!!!!). I don't think the moon landing was faked and capricorn One was such a hose job of a movie (come on - in the chase scene you see palm trees. Palm trees. In Houston?????????).

Gumby writes so well - for a guy from Akron.

And me?? English major and I cannot get a thought in edgewise.

Like I was running this morning and in the morning I see people running and you give the little wave, you know? Well, there is this woman. Let's call her Brunhilde. She never waves. Never.

Here I am, waving my chicken arms around and she looks away. She shouldn't be able to run. it's like a law. Well, more like a guideline, but there are rules of the road. And she's not obeying and she's pissing me off.

And AIG's stock is up $5 from last week and that's pissing me off as well.

And the Mets have a share of the lead but it's in that National League Least and that's pissing me off as well.

Notice a trend?

Well, you know what also pisses me off? Nancy Pelosi calling George Bush a total failure. I mean, is that a case of "Hello Kettle, You're Black" or what??????

And Starbucks closing 600 stores around the country. That pisses me off. They should close all of them - except mine, the one on the corner of Liberty Street and Nassau Street in Downtown Manhattan. If that's the only one open, the line can be not only out of the door but down the block as well. Then I won't go there anymore and then they can close that one and i will be okay.

For now, I will pay $2.28 per day for two Venti cups of coffee. And what the hell does Venti mean? Shit, it sounds like Italian but in Italian, Venti means "twenty".

That pisses me off. And you know what pisses me off more???? Baristas. what the fuck is a Barista?? In what language do the idiots at Starbucks speak??? Esperanto????

And you know what else pisses me off??? Dan Rather referring to Barack Obama as Osama Bin Laden and no one reports on it except Bill O'Reilly.

Aren't you glad I drew a blank?

SNAG FILMS

2008-07-17T20:02:00.002-04:00

a great new service to showcase documentary films for free.

Here's the first one. It's Ah-nuld of course.

An interesting movie if also a bit of a polemic.

Jesse Jackson Part 2

2008-07-16T21:21:00.001-04:00

From the Associated Press:

CHICAGO - The Rev. Jesse Jackson used an emotionally charged racial slur during a break in a TV interview in which he criticized presidential candidate Barack Obama, Fox News confirmed Wednesday.
The longtime civil rights leader already came under fire this month for crude off-air comments he made against Obama in what he thought was a private conversation during a taping of a "Fox & Friends" news show. In those comments, he contended that Obama wasn't speaking to issues important to the black community and unaware that his microphone was still on, he said, "I want to cut his nuts off."
In additional comments from that same conversation, first reported by TVNewser, the African-American leader is reported to have said Obama was "talking down to black people," and referred to blacks with a slur commonly referred to as the N-word when he said Obama was telling them "how to behave."

A Legal Document. Really

2008-07-16T20:40:00.004-04:00

in case you can't read it, this says:

"I am informing you that I am appealing the asshole Ronald B. Leighton's decision in this matter.

"You have been hereby served notice. You are not getting away with this shit that easy."

all TRUE.

Summer Classes for Men

2008-07-16T20:28:00.002-04:00

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDby August 15, 2008

212-458-1722

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion.Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 1 2:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningat 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.Help Line Support and Support Groups.Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.Open ForumMonday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations.4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.Online Classes and role-playingTuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping CompanionRelaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.Meets 4 w eeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Mystery of the Manhole Covers Solved!!!!

2008-07-16T07:06:00.004-04:00

Yahoo news reported that 400 Manhole covers were stolen in Flint Michigan.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/odd_missing_manhole_covers

Reliable sources have informed this writer that Flint native Michael Moore thought they were hamburgers lying around town and tried to eat them.

I hope many read this soon.

I might have to take the picture down. it grosses me out.

An Iconography of Contagion

2008-07-15T20:23:00.002-04:00

I was reading this week's Newsweek.

There was an article about the National Academy of Science's latest exhibition called "An Iconography of Contagion"

I wish I lived in Washington DC - there are some excellent medicine public service announcements/advertisements from the 1940s.

Here is my favorite. She looks like Angelina Jolie, don't you think?