The Weekly Round Up

Some news stories from the Profound to the Profane

1. DEEP THROAT DIES

Mark Felt, second in command of the FBI in the 1970s, was "Deep Throat", the mysterious figure who aided Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein in their investigation of the Watergate break-in. His "follow the money" became a mantra and is still in use some 30 years later. His belief that the constitution should trump all made him a beacon, albeit unknown, to millions of Americans. it is difficult to comprehend the effect that Felt had on politics. "Deep Throat" made it cool to be an informant. And he looked like Hal Holbrook! We hardly knew ya, Mr. Felt, but we will miss you.

2. DOCK ELLIS DIES

Dock Ellis, the former NY Met, who threw a no-hitter while with the Pittsburgh Pirates while he was high on LSD has died at 63. How did he throw such a no-hitter when under the influence of drugs? He said during an interview that the catcher's glove was right there and he just dropped the ball right in.

Mets bullpen, take note!

3. ED AND TOM SHIRCEL

WTF are these guys?

Well, these guys are brothers, 57 and 52, who have combined for 10 perfect games (in bowling, for those of you who do not know). What makes 'em special this week?

They rolled them together -Yep, during the same game and for the same team.

The odds of such a thing happening? Well, according to Ed " a million to one?"

Our staff of mathematicians has come up with another number: 500 million to one!

4. THE ABSOLUTELY MOST HEARTBREAKING STORY OF THE WEEK

Corporate megalo-mart Wal-Mart comes to the rescue after evil corporation Stop and Shop dashes a childhood dream of a perfect birthday party.

Yes, I am talking about Stop and Shop's refusal to personalize a cake for little Adolph Hitler Campbell.

What is this world coming to?

I mean the parents are evil dunces - but is that reason to punish the kids?

Wal-Mart, trying to restore its beleaguered image after it allowed a worker in my area to be trampled to death on Black Friday, stepped right up to the plate and said that they had no problem with writing the name of the worst killer in the history of mankind on a birthday cake.

Where would we be without Wal-Mart!

I mean, where are these obviously loving parents going to go when Adolph's little sister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, turns two in a few months.